I recently got caught up in reading a webpage that had a "Trigger Warning" on it. It wasn't pornographic by definition, and was actually meant to be a supportive awareness-type page. It had pictures of victims of sexual abuse holding a hand-written sign in front of them with the phrases their abusers used against them. Many of the phrases were demeaning or manipulative, some were excuses. It was supposed to be a way to free these victims from the abuse they had experienced by speaking up about what they had gone through. But for me, I guess it was a trigger.
I couldn't stop reading. I couldn't stop going to the next photo to see what the next abuser had said. I don't know why it became so hard for me to stop. It got me in a bad place, and I felt Satan's angels around me tempting me to self-gratify.
But I wasn't happy because of the spirit that it had brought into my heart. My husband got home from work while I was on my phone and he was annoyed because he thought I was on Facebook again (one of my other addictions) and so the rest of the evening went horribly.
I know it was because I hadn't stopped to begin with. I hadn't realized that "Trigger Warning" was for me. I didn't realize that I had a trigger like that. But the fantasies that overcome me sometimes are caused by things like this and I need to realize it, acknowledge it, and so now I can avoid it.
Progress? Well, I still haven't read my Step 5 to anyone. But I think I need to continue because this stagnant stage I have gotten myself into is not helping me one bit! But I am going to continue on to Step 6 keeping in mind that at any moment I will return to Step 5 to read my inventory aloud to someone because I know I need to do it. I just don't know when or who, and I feel that it is a decision I need to make very carefully.
Which is odd, because I naturally have always been the type of person that spilled my soul out to whoever was passing by just because I never felt the need to keep my own secrets. But I think finally I've worked the steps deep enough to get to those shameful nitty-gritty details that I just can't confide to just anybody.
Maybe I need to choose my old friend and confidant...she hadn't come to mind until just now because I don't think she has worked the steps or gone through the program. But she is a social worker now, with a Masters. Perhaps she is my best choice. Time and distance have created a sort of rift between us lately. Maybe I'll bridge the gap by being incredibly personal all of a sudden. I'll pray about it. Wish me luck.