Stop Dragging Him and Let Him Walk

 

I was just thinking to myself about when I was engaged and there was a point when we almost had to postpone our marriage. I remember thinking if we postponed it I wouldn't go through with it at all. I could already sense the hardships awaiting me in this marriage and I was not sure I trusted what I was getting myself into. But I prayed and made a deal with God. He had told me everything was going to be fine and to marry this man. I told God that if our wedding was postponed I would take that as His sign to call it off. But if we didn't postpone I would take that as His answer and the wedding was on.

You see, I am a romantic. But only in my dreams in my head at that point. I didn't believe romance was real. It was too good to be true. So because I didn't believe in it, I thought I wouldn't ever get romance in real life so why try for it? I dated with my head in the clouds and didn't pay attention very well. But I'm lucky I leaned on the Lord because he knew what I needed.

So as you can guess, our wedding wasn't postponed and I married him.

End of story. Happily ever after.
But happily ever after doesn't exist.

I was miserable. There were times I regretted the deal. There were times I second guessed myself.

But just now as I was thinking back at this experience, I was greeted with a very pleasant feeling.
RELIEF!

I no longer feel regret, I feel relief.  Because instead of thinking, oh, if the wedding had been postponed, I wouldn't have married him, I am thinking... IF THE WEDDING HAD BEEN POSTPONED, I WOULDN'T HAVE MARRIED HIM!

I have taken for granted so many blessings.

I have been ungrateful, critical, and emotionally unfaithful. So much time wasted in negativity. I envisioned him as a dead weight that I had to drag along behind me. I came up with the metaphor when we were engaged and first married. Somewhere in Courtship and Marriage class at the LDS Institute someone said that when we are looking to get married we look for someone we can walk hand in hand with into Heaven.

I thought to myself after I got married...well, that's a great thought while we are dating but now that I'm married I'm DRAGGING him if I have to! I even wrote that on the board in the Institute building. Silly me.

 That metaphor stayed with me. I continued to be self-righteous. I continued to focus my energy on the things he wasn't doing perfectly. I expected too much from him and not enough from myself. As I envisioned him weighing me down, in actually I was kicking him down and then dragging him across the floor before he had any time to get up.  I never allowed him to stand so he could walk, I just continued dragging him and both of us were tired of it.

 

If only I would just let go he would stand and walk on his own, progress, and take my hand so we could walk together.

He is his own person after all. I certainly wouldn't grow well by being pulled on so much.

Now I am looking at our marriage and am amazed he's stuck with me so long without giving up and looking elsewhere for someone who would just love him. I'm so glad I'm not too late to be that someone.  I'm going to let go and just love him.  I'm going to trust God can teach him and guide him far better then I can.

After all, that's the way I grow. I can allow him to do the same.

Lowering Expectations in Love

I was gifted a book by Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go, which gives a thought to contemplate for each day of the year and so I've been following it and I've gained great perspectives.  Some days are better then others but today it prompted me to reflect on a concept that seems to be returning to my mind again and again lately.

Lately I have been striving to be more positive with my spouse and cease criticism of all kinds.  I've been striving to keep my thoughts more positive as well and stop my negativity or my wishful dreaming of "if only"s or "why not"s away so I can welcome in more contentment.  After all, Marjorie Pay Hinckley said more then once that to have a happy marriage, "lower your expectations" but as simple as it sounds, that's hard!  It was until today's thoughts that I was more deeply able to understand what she meant.

I've never really thought of myself as a perfectionist, but I'm discovering that this is exactly what I have been doing to my husband.  I think whenever anyone gets married they have some expectation about the way they assume marriage will be.  It's not really something we can discuss beforehand very well because we honestly believe what we expect is a typical common sense way to envision of marriage.  Then after married, we suddenly realize our spouse doesn't fit those expectations and also has his or her own that we don't fit perfectly into either.

There are things I always dreamed someone who "really loved me" would do without even trying - things I have desired so desperately and seem so simple to me, but don't come naturally to my own husband at all.  Some of these expectations are so deeply desired that it's painful to let them go.  I felt like my expectations should be easy and that I was entitled to want something from my husband like...simple courteous thoughtfulness.  But I was wrong.  Expressing how much I wish he would do these things doesn't seem to help either.  It only enforced his feelings of inadequacy in our marriage as he continues to try so hard to please me in his own way.

In Beattie's book it says "expecting others to be perfect" is "destructive; it makes others feel ashamed and may interfere with their growth."  (Emphasis added.)  By expecting my husband to be great at these things that don't come naturally to him, I am actually making it harder for him to do those very things.  Beattie goes on, "People are human and vulnerable, and that is wonderful.  We can accept and cherish that idea.  Expecting others to be perfect puts us in that codependent state of moral superiority."  Of course we shouldn't tolerate anything abusive or destructive, "We can still expect appropriate responsible behavior..." but we must loosen up and let go of the expectations that we already know are causing unnecessary pain on both sides.

Further it read that "when we stop expecting others to be perfect, we may discover that they're doing much better than we thought."  I have noticed as I strive to stop being so critical of my husband, and (painfully) let go of my (deeply) desired expectations, he has been able to progress and my eyes have been opened to see his progress.  It feels so much better to let go of the negativity that has been a dead weight, bringing us both down.

My husband is a sweet man who loves me his way.  His thought process doesn't dwell on sentimentality, the way mine does.  There is both good and bad in my way too!  And that's ok!  We are both human and vulnerable and that is beautiful!  So, I must let go of my expectation that my husband will be something he is not right now.  I married him because of who he is, not who he isn't.

AND according to Donald L. Hallstrom's great talk in the Priesthood session last weekend entitled "What Manner of Men?", "Who we are is NOT who we can become!"

For some reason sometimes we feel like we aren't entitled to feel happy, like we have no right to happiness.  But we are that we might have joy!  We exist so we can choose happiness and let go of pain and sorrow from failed expectations, pride, or sin.  Christ has allowed us to let all of that go and be joyful!

I must love and accept my husband just the way he is now and so he can become better, through Christ.  I must believe he will, but allow myself right not to be content and happy, waiting upon the Lord, and loving a good man.

Step 11: Personal Revelation

 
Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord's will and to have the power to carry it out.

Step 11 Reading

Notice that it says, "Our greatest desire was to improve our abilities to receive guidance...".  It doesn't talk about being exactly anywhere in our progress, but that we should be focused on going in the right direction and improving at whatever rate.  As long as we are getting better and drawing closer to the Lord.

"When others tried to love you, perhaps you couldn't feel it.  Their love was never enough."
This makes me think about how often people don't feel loved by others no matter what others do or say because first we must love ourselves.  If we are constantly ashamed it is hard to feel loveable and that's where it starts.  We must believe we are loveable first.  Before we feel loveable we must let go of shame and in order to let go of shame we must rely on Christ and repent.  Once we are free of sin and shame we are at peace and can then be free to love ourselves, feel God's love for us, and feel loveable.  Then we can feel love from other people, as well as show love to others.


It all starts with repentance and Christ's atoning sacrifice.  Of course studying the scriptures and daily prayer are essential in feeling the peace and happiness from the spirit all the time.  It's when I am always remembering Christ that I always have his spirit with me.  It's how the baptismal covenant works.  All I have to do is think of Him and He is there.  Always remember Him and I will always have His spirit with me.

One way for me to remember Christ always is to be grateful every day and in every moment for my blessings.  If I acknowledge His hand in my life at all times, I am recognizing Him and remembering Him.  Then He is always with me.  It's a humbling thing, as well as an uplifting and comforting feeling.

I have been going to recovery classes for almost three years now.  I have been "clean" or "sober" from self-grad since August, and have gotten through Step 11 for the third time now.  I keep wondering what the next round will be like for me because each time has been different.  It's a beautiful learning experience to be involved in. There is so much spiritual growth awaiting anyone who begins the program whether they feel like they have an addiction or not.

After dealing with my more prominent addiction, I still have other things like my gravitation to media for coping, or getting away from reality.  I, of course, never recognized the detrimental spiritual, emotional, and social affects of my addiction until working the 12 steps.  And then it took reworking the steps repeatedly before I recognized the depths of my own problems and could deal with them.  The Lord knows each one of us perfectly and helps us learn and grow at a perfect individual pace.  No one else will progress in the same way or at the same speed.

I can't tell another person how to progress or where they are in their recovery because only God can know that.  I don't even know what else lies ahead for me to uncover in my own recovery.  All we have to do is work the steps to personally trust in the Lord's plan, repent of our mistakes, rely on Christ, and do our best to follow His will.  That is what the steps do for me.  They are a wonderful study tool in partnership with scriptures study.

I now desire to have some kind of prayer and meditation every morning to get me on track spiritually for my day.  If I get thrown off by missing that or getting priorities mixed up, my day goes down the drain because I have been getting more and more busy with three jobs at home while I'm being a mom.  It's getting hectic!  But I have to make that time for the Lord every day or it's unbearable because I simply cannot do it all alone.  I have to have His guidance and spirit with me at all times or things fall apart...or I fall apart!

"Prayer and meditation are powerful antidotes to fear and depression."  Very comforting.  "By nature, we all tend to be undisciplined, yet by looking to Jesus Christ and the example He has set, you will find the humility to continue submitting to the Father."  I must rely on Him, even though I naturally try to do it myself.  It is so much better when I let Him have the burden.  He's already taken all my burdens away.  He already has felt it all.  So for me to feel it all too is silly and unnecessary and...well...sorta stupid on my part.  I must let Him take it and move forward.

I love my Savior for that so much.  I would never get through this life without Him.

Step 9: Restitution and Reconciliation

 

Wherever possible, make direct restitution to all persons you have harmed.

Step 9 Reading

When it comes to taking the step to reach out to other people with your apologies, it's important to remember not to be impulsive but not to procrastinate either.  Personally, I have a tendency to jump into things too quickly because if I'm going to do something I usually feel like I just have to go do it before I forget or put it off too long.  So I'm naturally the type of person who jumps right into things.  Because of this, in my past I have usually dug up dirt a lot more then necessary with people.  I've apologized, then apologized again.  I think people get sick of hearing it from me.

So for the first couple times I've done this step I was really not changing much about my usual habits except for trying to pray a little more about how to talk to people about things that were still bothering me.

In one way, this was good.  But this time as I approached step 9 I had a realization that hit me hard.

I looked back at the list of people and the little notes I wrote to them but to myself, and I realized that most of them had already heard me tell them these very things.  Why was I still bringing this stuff up?  Do they really need to hear from me about this stuff again?

Realization #1: I need to forgive myself for these things.
Instead of approaching these people again, I decided to write another letter to myself with these events particularly mentioned so I could put it behind me.  I needed to let these things go.

Realization #2: I wasn't forgiving other people.
As I began Step 9 another person's name came to me and as I added them to the list, the fear of approaching this person was stronger.  I found myself asking myself why I was feeling the need to apologize, and REALLY asking.  I felt the figurative curtain being pulled back from my underlying motivations and realized that all my life I have actually used apologies as a tool to get an apology back.  I recalled times in my younger years when I would use just the right words to get the other person to feel guilty or sympathetic towards me so they would cave and apologize to me or at least show me pity.  I was disgusted with myself.

Realizing this made me realize I hadn't been forgiving these people.  Step 8 comes before Step 9 for a reason, and that is to forgive others FIRST before going to them to apologize.  Because if I have really forgiven these people already, then when I'm apologizing I have no other motivation then to just apologize to them.  I've already forgiven them, so I don't need them to apologize to me.  I don't even need to tell them, "I forgive you for..." because that is only digging things up again.  I can keep that part to myself.

So after thinking about this for a while I returned to my list of people, and began taking names off as I began forgiving myself.  After doing that my list only had a couple names left and so now I'm going to approach only those ones.

The Lord has His own timing for this stuff.  Sometimes you might feel like things have taken way too long for you to let them go, but it might just be the exact time for Heavenly Father's plan.  Things happen the way they do because if they did not, something wouldn't be right.  I truly do believe that the Lord puts things in our path when we are ready for them.  He gives us countless opportunities to do things and if we take those opportunities we are blessed.  If we don't take those opportunities, he gives the opportunity to someone else.  But that doesn't mean we don't get another opportunity later on.  I believe that the steps really give me an opportunity for more perspective.

Maybe the steps aren't for everybody.  I've recently read a post where a wife of an addict talked about how she didn't feel the steps were for her.  I respect how she feels.  You should do what works for you.  However, I know without a shadow of a doubt that the steps can work in some way for EVERYBODY.  This woman said she thought maybe the steps aren't for her because she is already doing these things every day.  She's already repenting and using the atonement in her life.  Great!  I felt the same way when I started the steps.  But the steps bring in a new way to contemplate the atonement.  It provides little areas where we can each do a little bit better.  And to me, that's worth a try.