Step 10: Daily Accountability

 
Continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong promptly admit it.

Step 10 Reading

So, here I am in step 10 now and as I said in this post, this is where we start speeding it up so we work all the steps every day immediately.  It's where we start taking a daily inventory.  Taking steps 4 and 5 every day for every day.  It is no longer about looking back because we have already taken care of everything in the past and let it go.  It's about now.

In step 10 we start watching ourselves carefully throughout every day, taking any negative thought or feeling to Heavenly Father immediately.  Our desire has changed from holding on to the negative to desiring peace.  The goal is to have an open heart and a mind focused on the Saviors teachings all the time.

I used to think that when I got to this point in the steps I would be fixed and no longer be making mistakes anymore, but that is not what step 10 is about.

It says in the reading "You will continue to make mistakes as you interact with others, but a commitment to step 10 is a commitment to take responsibility for mistakes."

I am not perfect and I am not going to be made perfect in this life.  I will continue to mess up.  I will make the same mistakes over and over because of my weaknesses.  But the difference now is that I am more aware of my triggers and I am more aware of how to stop my mistakes from building up and becoming overwhelming.  I can take responsibility immediately and regain peace.

An important part about daily inventories is journaling.  Now, I still haven't bought a new journal, but I have began using a notebook because I have just. got. to. write.  I'm sure I'll get a nice fancy one again sometime soon.  For now I'm dealing with it.

Here's the plan:
Morning prayer consists of motives examined and a daily goal.  Something like to keep my temper that day or to follow the spirit.  Something like "today I will accomplish these tasks and maintain a positive attitude."

Then throughout the day, I am constantly checking myself.  Am I maintaining balance?  Do I still feel serenity in my day?  Am I avoiding negativity?  If I find a trigger, acknowledge it and immediately take a time out to apply the tools in the steps and regain my peace.

At the end of the day I have an evening prayer where I examine my day and hold a council with the Lord about where I've fallen short and what I have accomplished.  What have I achieved?  What can I do better at tomorrow?

If we take accountability like this daily, it no longer builds to threaten our abstinence.  One question the reading presents that goes really well with this is here: "Am I true?"  We must maintain complete honest with these questions and make self-corrections.

Another favorite part of the reading for me is this: "You will learn to value progress and to forgive imperfections in yourself and others."

Progress.  This is most important.  No one is expecting perfection.  Just progress.

I had a conversation with my husband recently (Yay!  He's progressing!) and we talked about how when we are making real progress we have a way to catch ourselves before the temptations can overpower us.  As we have been working the steps, we are getting to know ourselves and our weaknesses enough to recognize our triggers.  We can stop ourselves in the very thought process before temptation even begins.  At that time, we can do whatever helps curb us from the negativity escalating, whether it be calling a sponsor, another support person or friend, or doing something to keep busy and productive in a positive way (jogging, writing, praying, cleaning, creating art, playing with kids, etc. etc.).

At this point is where we see how the steps really work!  This is why we take the steps in the order we do.  This is why we must be patient with the steps seemingly slow progress.  Because in the end there IS hope.  Incredibly, there is a way to someday be able to pin down those little incremental things that lead up to the slips or relapses.  Now we can find hope in knowing there is another more healthy way to deal with triggers.  It is possible.  Don't give up.

I Am Not My Addiction

 
You know, whoever coined the phrase "I am an addict" really did us all a huge disservice!  Because I am not my addiction.  Labeling myself only makes it seem that much more impossible to overcome because it's WHO I AM.  But it's not who I am.  The correct thing to say would be "I have addictions."  Because these things do not define me.

It feels so good to begin step 6!  I'm also so happy to have a new sponsor from the addiction recovery group for females.  As much as I love my support in recovery group ladies, I really felt like I needed to join a group where women could really understand where I stood.

After reading out my step 5 aloud, I'll have to say I feel so much less alone!  I didn't realize how alone I felt before, but I did!  I felt like I was completely alone in how I felt.  Even after two years attending meetings, I felt different and apart from everyone else.  But reading and spilling out my step 5 helped me see that my sponsor and many of these other women are really just like me!  Of course, we have our differences, but we think the same way because of our similarities, rationalizations, and trying to stay on top of our addictions every single day!

It was so refreshing to sit and talk to someone who understood completely!  Especially about media addiction.  Most people shrug it off, saying "Awe, it's just a tv show." But they don't understand how detrimental "just" a tv show can be to me, when I'm not just watching it, I'm getting a high that I have to come back down off.  I get so attached to the characters that I painstakingly fantasize over them, wish with all my heart that my world could collide with theirs, and I begin to value this fantasy world over my own life!  Yeah...there's something wrong with that!  It felt so good to have someone sit next to me and say, yes, it's the same for me.

Another thing that reading my inventory out loud did for me was that now I have more courage to speak out about my addiction if I am moved upon by the spirit.  I feel I will open myself up to the women in my support group meeting this week and let them know that I can identify with their addicted loved ones at a different level.  I think opening up may help someone because there is bound to be someone else like me coming to our meetings since the only ones available are a drive away from here.  There may be women who are addicts and not allowing their conscious mind to see it (like I used to be!).

My new sponsor also helped me to correlate more of my weaknesses with my addictions.  I hadn't realized that my tendencies to chameleon other people's likes is actually not an uncommon trait among those who struggle in addiction.  Because addiction can blur with who a person is, making it hard to identify ourselves outside the addictions.  Time isn't spent on thinking about these other good things we like, like favorite music, hobbies, even my favorite color was hard to choose.  Our bad habits become our hobbies and we can't share them with anyone so we are left in isolation.  It's a sad way to live.

It reminded me of the movie with Julia Roberts, Runaway Bride.  I always identified so deeply with her character's inability to choose a favorite kind of eggs, among other things, and how it was destroying her life.   I couldn't understand why both of us did that, so I felt like it was some romantic mystery.  I remember watching the movie and feeling so connected because I was just like that.  Now I think it's because she was addicted to something too.  Addiction handicapped my ability to define myself.  It's so freeing to separate myself from my addictions because now I am free to see the opportunities for all the many things I can like and be.  I can stop doing things because someone else likes to do them, and do them because I like it.

I just have to figure out now what I like most.

Me:
I like red and purple.
I like indie music that is uplifting and upbeat.
I like singing and playing piano.
I like writing.
I like spirituality.
I like being artistic and creative.

We have a start.

Another Trusted Person

 

In step 5 it reads:

"We also selected another trusted person to whom we could disclose the exact nature of our wrongs.  We tried to select someone who had gone through steps 4 and 5 and who was well-grounded in the gospel.  We began the meeting with prayer to invite the Spirit, and then we read our inventories aloud.  The individuals who listened to our inventories often helped us see lingering areas of self-deception.  They helped us put our lives into perspective and avoid exaggerating or minimizing our accountability...We started to understand our tendencies..."

I have done it.

Over this past week, I had a conflict planned for the usual time I attend PASG meetings.  Because of this, I decided it was an opportunity for me to attend the woman's group for addicts.  I usually attend the support group for loved ones of the addict, but I knew I needed to attend a group for actual addicts at some point because of my specific situation.  However, it was a little drive to get to the meetings.  There aren't as many of these available.

So I did.  I went to the meeting the day before my usual time, and although it was a little different and I felt sort of out of place, I know it was what I needed to do and where I needed to be.  I plan to attend this meeting on occasion, because it offers up a different perspective that I really need.

At this meeting, I met a new Facilitator who I felt I could share my inventory with.  By this weekend, I had set up a time and on Saturday I was able to meet with her and lay it all out.  It took a little over three hours.  But it felt so good to just let out everything I wished I could say out loud to somebody and have them listen reflectively.  I could have tried to do this with my husband but I'm sure at some point his eyes might have glazed over.

I feel so much better after having this experience.  Now I feel like I truly have been able to be completely honest about everything.  I was able to also pin-point how my addictions to media or fantasy are also correlated with my addiction to self gratification and I hadn't made that connection yet.  I also have a new sense of determination to tackle my media addiction...right now I'm completely overcome by watching Vampire Diaries.  At least it's only once a week, but I know that when I watch it, I get a high and have to come back to reality...and that's where the problem really is in that.

So here I am, willing and able to move forward to Step 6.  Finally!

More on the Nature of Addiction

What's the most frustrating thing about the nature of my addiction to masturbation (or self gratification) is that I once decided that perhaps when I feel the temptation I could just go to my husband and after practicing a healthy expression of feelings the temptation would go away.  But no.  This is not what happens, sadly.  Because my body is practiced to react only to a certain kind of stimulus, not through healthy intercourse, the only way to satisfy the feelings is to fulfill it in the way my body recognizes.  Because it just doesn't work the same way.  The only way to deal with this is to abstain from the behavior my body craves and so I can develop a more healthy habit and my body can gain more practice in the right way of doing things.

I get so frustrated when I have just been with my husband sometime during the day and even in the same day I find my body giving me carnal signals of desire and temptation strikes.  And there is nothing I can do about it but pray and hope for the Lord to remove the temptation from me.

 I must believe that He will.

One way I have decided to practice is by really fasting.  I have talked about it before in another post.  But fasting is one way to exercise my ability to put the Lord before the natural man.  It strengthens my resolve to put aside my carnal desires and put the Lord first.  This past Sunday was fast Sunday and man was I struggling with it!  Not only was I incredibly hungry while giving my children their breakfast, when I escaped to my bedroom there was a box of See's candies calling to me...and then while I was journaling about it I was hit by another kind of temptation.  Then my husband ate a cinnamon roll of all things (his excuse was because he had to take some medication for back pain...) and I was so hungry and upset!  YET the hidden blessing was that at that point my hunger temptation overcame the other temptation and so I was able to get by.

Still haven't slipped since before I began step 1!  Harrah!

I was thinking more about the nature of my addiction and I realized that the character weaknesses I got because of this addiction bled into other aspects in my life a lot more then I previously realized.  I realized that there are patterns of behavior that reach back to my childhood where I would hide a negative thing about myself, either a deed or a motive, and play the innocent victim so other people would think I was just innocent and take pity on me or feel bad for me.  I did it to my peers and my family members all the time.  I remember thinking to myself that I could get away with anything because no one would suspect angelic me!  I was so prideful and self righteous but deep down I knew I was being wicked and covering it up to other people.

If I would feel bad for not doing something because of laziness, or if I didn't want to take responsibility for something I had done, I would outsource the blame and play the victim.  As a child I got away with this all the time and it reached all the way up into my college life, when I went before the bishop in order to tell him about how my new boyfriend had sinned by "taking advantage of me" and that his bishop needed to know about it.  My bishop had sat before me and looked at me in awe and amazement.  He'd told me that I was headed in a very dangerous direction and I needed to open my eyes.  I didn't understand what he was talking about.  Something in my head refused to get it.  But I was indeed refusing to acknowledge my own responsibility for what had happened.  I was prideful and unrepentant for my own sins, and because of that I WAS headed into a very dangerous place and I got myself into trouble!

Instead, I should have acknowledged my own fault in the situation and felt guilty at least a little bit.  If I had, I could have safeguarded my future a lot better then I did.  I was really in an unsafe mindset.

I realized then that I had entered into the life of college thinking that without my parents to set ground-rules I was just on my own to do my own thing my own way and I didn't need ground-rules because I knew better.  I wouldn't do what I didn't believe was right.  That's what I told myself.  But without setting my own ground-rules I was allowing myself to walk on dangerous ground.  I needed to set clear boundaries for myself!  But I think the way I saw things may even stem from my addiction.  I had been practicing the habit of hiding my own guilt from myself all my life!  I guess it bled into other aspects of my life outside of this one habit.  It prepped me to be more curious and open to perspicuity and sin as a young adult.  Addiction sucks!

Because of my addiction, I have developed character flaws of self-deception and self-righteousness all wrapped up together in a ball of pride and tied with a ribbon of vanity.  I cared more about what other people thought of me then what God thought, and that was bad.

I really hope that taking step 5 this time will help me beat away these tendencies for good.  I know it's just a baby step, however, and I will probably be fighting off these things for the rest of my life.

Baby Steps

Progress is what matters.  As long as you are stepping in the right direction,  it doesn't matter how big the steps are.

The personal inventory in step 4 is rather personal,  so I won't be sharing gory details in a blog entry but I will say I have made progress.  This is the third time I've done step 4, and I feel like it's the first time.  My first time taking this step,  I seemed intent on telling my life story.  But in actuality I have been doing that all my life because I have a tendency to revisit the past in my head over and over on a daily basis because I'm a masochistic self-analyst of sorts.  I the first time through step 4 was like rolling up all of those tendencies into a big wad and rolling in it until it was flat.  Then I proceeded to show this spread to my Bishop in step 5.

In a way,  this was good.  But after taking step 5 I couldn't honestly say I felt better.  Other people talked about how taking step 5 was a big relief and a weight of the shoulders.  I didn't feel that way.  I didn't know why.

The second time through,  I only focused on now instead of dicing into the past.  I dealt with the things that popped into my head,  but I was kind of brisk about it and so I think I might have caused problems with the way I excitedly tried to make amends all at once (when really that isn't supposed to happen until step 9).

This time,  I feel like I'm really doing it!  I've made parallels with patterns of behavior I recognize in myself that stem from my weaknesses. I have noticed how my strengths have sometimes begat my weaknesses.  Strange add that may seem, all of those things feed each other and the result is me.  I'm finally taking step 4 as a way to define myself.  It really feels good!

And on another note!  I faced my first encounter with pure temptation the other morning. I felt the slight desire to give in to addictive behavior (self gratification) and I did not fail!  Cheers! It's in those little successes we must celebrate!  I do feel like the tension on this may grow though.  So I'm on my guard. And I am thinking I need to carry out my step 5 soon.

Step 4: Truth

Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.

Step 4 Reading

Now that I have made the decision to truly trust in God to help me, I am given the opportunity to show my willingness to trust Him by searching my life without letting my fear stop me with rigorous honesty, and no justification.

Someone recently told me that with taking step 4, it's not just about identifying sins. It's about defining myself. I don't just reflect on what I have done wrong in my life, but what I have done right, and what motivates my decisions. In doing this, I identify my gifts and talents as well as my weaknesses and shortcomings.  In identifying these characteristics about myself, and being mindful of my weaknesses, I am better able to strive to align my will with God's, because it's the first step in correcting my mistakes and growing my weaknesses into strengths.

The first time I completed step 4, I tried to do it by listing events from my memory chronologically from the earliest thing to now. It was a huge undertaking. I found some things to be taken care of and learned from it, but I knew I was not done completely because I knew I could not do it all at once.  It would be impossible.  That didn't mean I stopped at this step forever. I did my best and moved on, having faith that the Lord would point out more as I became ready for it. This has happened.

I did the step for the second time by writing names of people and examining my relationships with them. I felt I needed to apologize for things or mend something, or just come to terms with past events.

This time, I wrote in my journal, just pondering particular weaknesses and how it has affected certain people who came to mind once more.  As I wrote, I began to discover that many the actions in my life that came to mind were motivated by a weakness that was because of a strength, or vise versa.  I decided to list my strengths and weaknesses that I have discovered so far.  I realized that some of my strengths sort of compliment my weaknesses, and vise versa, and some of my weaknesses escalate each other. I noticed some things that create cycles in my own behavior. It turned into a learning experience about really how I define myself and what I want to change.

This step is hard!  But I can assure that it can change your life if you take it faithfully and fearlessly as it says.

It is also important to write! Write it all out, even if you are afraid of someone reading it. Writing helps you slow down your thoughts and really proves them to give you a greater understanding.  I also believe that more help comes to me spiritually if I am writing or praying out loud.  Once it was described to me that the reason I felt this way is because the angels would assist me. The Holy Ghost is always there to help. But angels are too. However, they cannot dwell within us like the Holy Ghost does. So they cannot know the thoughts of our hearts. But they can hear us pray out loud, and they can read what is written.  I feel the angels help me a lot more when I do these things.

I also know that writing things down seems to make me take things more seriously because it's out. It's a substantial reality if it's written down in front of me. I no longer can hide things even from myself. The justification stops when I write it down. I can no longer deny what I write in black and white.

Harmful things that are written down can also be destroyed once the step has been completed. Some people wait until after step 5. Then they purge themselves with the destruction of their written inventory. It can be a symbol of the power of repentance to cleanse you. Those things are no more, and the Lord remembers them not.

Be brave! Step 4! Let's do it!