Submitting to the Lord and Step 3

 

It seems like every single day has gone wrong because of something or other this week. All I can say is I'm glad I talked to the bishop because at least now I can feel the spirit whereas before taking that step I probably would have had a much harder time trying to do this on my own.

I want God to direct my path so badly but I have to stay out of my own way and let Him! I am inadequate and I need Him.  I think my problem, though, is that I want relief immediately and I need to be more willing to have my burdens lightened according to His timetable, like the example of the people of Alma who instead of having their burdens removed, were given the strength to lift their own burdens well enough.

Submitting to God is drawing nearer to Him through prayer and letting go of everything with the faith that He knows what He's doing. I need to be more ready to obey any promptings which come to me as well. Through immediate obedience I am submitting my will to the Lord.

I did really well once before with this one. When I would think about getting on my computer I would feel a heaviness pulling me toward that choice, as though it were dragging me into it. I knew that feeling wasn't from the Lord so I would then pray for a what I should do instead. The Lord always then would place an alternative for me to go to, like doing the laundry or other chore in the house instead. Of course, this wasn't always something I loved to do or even wanted to do, but it always felt lighter to do it. So when I immediately obeyed this and kept following that lighter feeling and turning away from the heaviness, I was growing closer and closer to the Lord. I felt so much lighter and happier, and I was choosing the better part. I was being more productive, I was feeling more worthwhile, I was being a better wife and a better mother, because I wasn't wasting my time away anymore.

When I submit my will to the Lord's will, He helps me keep my priorities where they should be, and my perspective on the eternities. My problem right now is trying to feel that way already without doing those things. I can't feel the success without the hard work.

I was thinking about the concept of fasting today. Being pregnant, I can't really fast like a regular person. But I had heard about people in my situation still sort of fasting by eating only the bare minimum and refraining from indulgence. Fasting helps with the submission of will because it is putting spiritual devotion ahead of physical desire. Great practice for refraining from bad habits.

Prayer in the moment of temptation is critical but SO HARD because the adversary KNOWS it works. So he tries his best to get us not to pray in that critical moment.

Another thing I need to be thinking about is temple attendance. It's been a while and I really need to go more often.

But that first choice I made to make that appointment with the bishop and be completely honest was my first step in the right direction. I am now bolstered up in my commitment to abstain from bad habits and be more careful. But I must keep that as a daily reminder every single day! I missed my studying yesterday enough that I felt pressure and temptations, and relapsed into my media addiction to get away. It wasn't a horrible relapse, I was watching little anime cartoons with my little boys. But I wasn't helping around the house. I was using it as an escape.

I hate having multiple addictions that intersect and cross over onto each other.

Anime has porn, of course, and I had to squelch my curiosity. I've never looked into porn before that slip and I don't want to start now.  I knew if I got caught up in it I would get stuck easily. If I fail at this, everything else in my life happiness hinges on it.

I must succeed.

The Purpose of the Steps

As I work on Step 8, I noticed it is like another inventory, similar to step 4, but instead of an inventory of my inner self, I'm making an inventory of things outside of myself.  "Making a thorough inventory of our resentments & acknowledging them to our Savior."  It's about honestly letting go of offenses that have made me embarrassed, uncomfortable, or ashamed in any way.

I used to get a little confused with what the difference was between steps 4 and 5 and steps 8 and 9.  This time around I'm actually seeing how they are a little different but they are also the same for a reason.  As I contemplated the wisdom in taking the steps in order, I began to realize the main goal that we reach for when taking these steps.

The steps work from the inside out, much like that quote from Step 6: "The Lord works from the inside out.  The world works from the outside in.  The world would take people out of the slums.  Christ takes the slums out of the people, and then they take themselves out of the slums.  The world would mold men by changing their environment.  Christ changes men, who then change their environment.  The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature...May we be convinced that Jesus is the Christ, choose to follow Him, be changed for Him, captained by Him, consumed by Him, and born again." (Ezra Taft Benson in Conference Report, Oct. 1985, 5-6; or Ensign, Nov. 1985, 6-7).

In Steps 1, 2, and 3, we are internally submitting to the Lord and making personal decisions with the Lord to trust and follow Him.  Step 4 is my self evaluation where I examine my internal attitudes and intents, and Step 5 puts that into greater light by bringing it out where someone else can see it.  Step 6 and 7 are about reviewing steps 1, 2, and 3 at a deeper and even more personal and life-changing level.  Submitting even more to the Lord's will and changing our hearts so we are really becoming His.  Then in steps 8 and 9, we are evaluating the external effects from my behaviors or how others have been impacted, then bringing that into greater light for other people to see and forgive.

Then we get to the fun part.  Step 10 takes all of Steps 1-9, wraps them up and says "Do this every day."  PHEW!
Then Step 11 adds the Lord's guidance and direction in again, to keep you always following His will every day.
And Step 12 is the continuation of the process with the addition of sharing testimony to support and guide others' efforts and be a missionary to bring others to the Savior in this life-changing way.

For the first time, I am completely grasping the goal from using the steps: To incorporate the repentance process into our daily lives in a genuine and heartfelt way so we then no longer take weeks to go through these baby steps, but can develop this as a new-found habit to turn to the Savior immediately, take responsibility for our actions, and return to His way.

That really does take a complete change of heart.  That is why these steps work.  That is why after we have taken steps 1-12 truly to heart and really applied these things to our lives, we have had a spiritual awakening, and can completely heal and change into a true disciple of Christ.  The steps work.

Step 3 Continued: Submitting as a Child

 
When I become submissive as a little child, it is the same as submitting to earthly parents but different.  Because earthly parents do their best but make mistakes and are imperfect whereas God is a perfect being.  So when submitting to God, I am guaranteed safety and guidance.  An earthly parent may not always provide that.  They may.  But they may not.

Submitting to the Lord means I should not fear.  There will always be love, acceptance, and help given to me from my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  They will never be disappointed beyond their love for me, and they will never fail to be supportive.  I know the Lord understands and I can confide my feelings to Him and feel completely understood.  Knowing He understands even if I don't get what I want helps me to submit to His will because I can know things will work out for the best because He knows.  If He didn't know I was feeling distraught about it, how could He know His plan would bring me comfort, peace, or happiness?  Knowing that He does know and understand my feelings perfectly gives me the assurance that He will lead me into a place where I can be happy.

If I endure it well and submit to His plan, I will find happiness.  Because I know He loves me and wants me to be happy in the end.

Dun Dun DUNNN!  Time for step 4.  Let's DO this thang!

Step 3 Continued: Humbling and Strengthening

Fast and Pray often

to be

STRONGER in Humility & FIRMER in Faith,

Filled with Joy & Consolation,

purifying & sanctifying,

as my HEART yields to God.

Fasting is exercising my ability to put off the natural man.  As I practice control over my bodily appetite, I practice control over natural desires.  I then can realize if I have the strength to fight physical hunger then I have the strength to fight off other natural desires that don't align with God's will.

Fasting also humbles me as I think about the Lord's sacrifices for me.  I also ponder about the need in the world for me to serve others as I contribute to fast offerings.  Prayer during a fast is vitally important.  Without it, I am just starving myself.  The hardest time to pray is of course when being faced with temptation because it's a choice between submitting my will to the Lord or fulfilling that carnal desire.  When temptation gets heavy, I must fight off the carnal desire just enough to pray and I know just in praying...just in that small effort, He would lift my burden.  But the more I pray and follow the Lord's will, the more I will be strengthened in Christ to continue.  I am humbled because of my weakness without Him.  I am strengthened through my faith in him, and as I submit and show that faith, I become stronger.

I need to trust in God to help me not only in the mistakes I am making that I am aware of, but in the mistakes that I am unaware of.  I need to trust that God will give me the awareness I need to fix the mistakes I am making.  I feel like my eyes are opened more and more every day I am working the steps.  Because I am noticing and remembering the mistakes I have made in the past, even the ones I didn't realize were mistakes because I did them in ignorance.  I am making progress, though.  That is what really matters.

I must become more humble.
More submissive.
More gentle and easily entreated.  More patient.
More long-suffering.  Temporate. Diligent. Thankful.

These are choices.
Step 3 is a decision step.  It's where I choose to be better.  It's where I choose to let God help me.  Because it is in acknowledging the help outside of myself that I am both humbled and strengthened.

I should not only show gratitude to the Lord, but to my husband.  Because he really does help me every day.

If I were to choose just one to focus on right now, though, I think it would be to be more gentle.  I need to be more soft-spoken.  I think in turn this would also effect patience and help me to be more easily entreated.  I need to keep my temper in check and stay calm and positive.  Perhaps if I pause and keep tabs on any negativity going on I could curb myself from being harsh and stay in a more gentle state.  Being more spiritually minded will definitely help a lot with this.  So that's what I am going to do now.

I am going to be more spiritually minded and gentle.

Step 3 Continued: Patience

I get really impatient with myself and with the Lord.  Last year I really had a time when I was feeling so positive and I had the Lord's spirit with me constantly.  It felt so good.  I would meet every decision to approach the computer or any task with the Lord by my side.  If I felt at all heavy or if I felt the spirit withdraw even a millimeter, I would stop and re-evaluate what I was doing.  I really succeeded in stepping away from my involvement with the media.  I went a full two weeks last year when my husband was gone on business without watching a single movie or doing hardly a thing on the computer because I was way too busy with other household things.  I ended up re-organizing the entire house room by room while he was gone.  The entire time, I planned to watch a specific movie by myself while he was away, but I never did it!  Because every evening I would just need to get to sleep so I could be up and ready for the next day.  It was all I could do.

After being in that place, when the winter began last year I fell into a slump because I got sick.  I think it was probably that one day that made the difference.  Instead of doing anything else, I sat in front of the television and began watching a new tv show on Netflix that I hadn't seen yet but heard about.  This show got me and I continued the entire day without stopping.  I believe this was a binging moment for me and after that everything in the world got thrown off kilter.  I kept trying to get that same spirit to return with me again as my constant but I felt abandoned.

I was rationalizing my media addiction.  I had been going without it for so long, I soaked it up like a sponge and the spirit couldn't fit in anymore.  I feel like I'm making headway again right now though.  Step 3 is the decision step.  I will be better again because this is where I make that decision again to put the Lord's will first and align my will with His once more.  That's the biggest key.  If I ever start putting my will first again, then it gets off again and I'm rolling away on some distant path where I didn't intend to go.

But this is where my patience comes in.  It isn't all going to happen at once.  If I choose the align my will with the Lord's will, it doesn't mean that magically I will feel the way I did last year again.  It will take time and effort daily to get there again.  If I really look back closely at my time last year, it was the same way.  I didn't just automatically have that spirit with me all the time, it came after I had been giving that daily effort toward aligning my will with the Lord's.  I have to do it and the more I do it, the stronger that spirit will become.

I remember that's how it was last year.  Every time I would follow the lighter feeling (in making a decision between a good thing and a better or best thing) and put the Lord first, letting go of my addictive desire to approach the computer instead of doing the dishes, or whatever...the moment I would choose the better thing, the spirit would grow.  The more times I did what was best, the easier it was for me to feel the spirit prompting me to choose the best option.  Every single day, it grew until I was so happy I felt like I was glowing with the spirit and with my own awareness of God's love for me, and it emulated into feeling love for others around me.

I need to trust God that when I choose the best thing every time He will bless me to feel more positive, happy, and He will bless me with more guidance to succeed as a better mom, a better wife, and a better me.  I need to be courageous and keep trying, even when I feel impatient.  My impatience is only going to delay it more because it's holding the spirit back for me to feel any kind of negativity.

Before reaching for my phone, I need to fall on my knees in the morning.  Before clicking to Facebook, I need to listen to a conference talk on lds.org (my new homepage).  Before telling my kids to do something, I need to study and ask the Lord for help to know how to talk to them and what to do that day.  Doing this will keep my priorities straight.

Step 3: Trust in God

 

Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.

Step 3 Reading

I used to think that obeying rules gave limitations to what I could do.  It narrows the way in a way that felt like I was being held back.  But then I realized submission to God's will gives one more freedom of choice, freeing you from addiction.  Freedom is used in the reading.  Because yes, it narrows the way, but so life is easier.  It makes the pathway to happiness easier to see.  When you stray off the path, you find darkness and loss, selfishness and dissatisfaction, greed and envy, lust and sadness.  In the darkness, you feel stuck and weighed down.  But staying on that path is where the light is and where you are free to live happily and make choices where you can see, because it's light.

Here is a poem that helps illustrate this concept:

The Disobedient Kite

I once went flying with my master
He took me out on a windy day
He let me grow higher and higher
As the wind pulled me up and away

I pulled on the string he had tethered
Wishing to climb greater heights
I beckoned him softly as to whether
He'd give me my freedom in flight.

He shook his head at my imploring
Stating the string held me up
'But the string just anchors my exploring!'
So I asked again, I wouldn't let up.

Finally he said he would show me
The value in rules he had set
And he cut at the string from below me
Exulted, I leaned, the wind swept

But the soaring expected then faulted
And broken, I began the fall
For the connection I'd found as a burden
Was what held me up high after all. 

 I find it interesting that the word "anchor" is used negatively in this poem.  When in this scripture it's used as a good thing: "Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with ^asurety ^bhope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which ^chope cometh of ^dfaith, maketh an ^eanchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in ^fgood works, being led to ^gglorify God." Ether 12:4

Even in just the use of that one word, it illustrates how perspective changes meaning a great deal.  We may think of the anchor as holding down the ship so it cannot go.  Then again, the anchor in a ship is what keeps it safe and steadfast against the storms.

In step 3 we are deciding to act for ourselves by following the Lord to escape the chains of addiction, and be freed.  Regardless of others, I choose my actions.  And if I choose to follow the Lord's will for me every single day, I will be led into happiness.  Sometimes this can be hard, but it also states that all it takes is for us "to open the door to go just a little bit."

I've found that all it takes is just a little bit.  As soon as I try a little tiny bit, the Lord encircles me in His love and encouragement.  He is always there!  Sometimes I have thought that I wanted Him to give up on me because I thought it would just be easier if I gave up and hated myself and gave in to my weaknesses.  But He didn't.  He never does!  He will always be there, even though we are inconsistent and make mistakes and have draw-backs.

His healing power is safe.  I love that "safety of following His way."  But it has to be all!  We have to submit everything.  Our entire will and life to Him, and continually.  It's not something that happens all at once.  I can decide now to do this, and then tomorrow I will have to decide again.  I might have to decide again in an hour, in a moment.  The key is to make a consistent effort to continually submit my will to the Lord's, taking "one day at a time."

"God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

I am in charge of me.  I choose the way I react to every thing that happens to me or around me every day.  No matter what happens, I am in charge of how I react.  If somebody says something rude, I don't have to get angry.  If I feel judged, I don't have to feel worthless.  If I don't do something perfectly, I don't have to get discouraged.  I can choose happiness.

Easier said then done.

But "with God nothing shall be impossible."

Thank God for what you have, Trust God for what you need.

I really want to let God direct my life, but I think my problem is sometimes I want to pick and choose when I allow His influence in my life, when I should have this as a constant.  What prevents me is that other desire for carnal things, not in agreement to God's will.  I must reconcile myself to the will of God and not to the flesh.

To do this, I'm going to follow these steps I set for myself in this post.