Step 3 Continued: Patience

I get really impatient with myself and with the Lord.  Last year I really had a time when I was feeling so positive and I had the Lord's spirit with me constantly.  It felt so good.  I would meet every decision to approach the computer or any task with the Lord by my side.  If I felt at all heavy or if I felt the spirit withdraw even a millimeter, I would stop and re-evaluate what I was doing.  I really succeeded in stepping away from my involvement with the media.  I went a full two weeks last year when my husband was gone on business without watching a single movie or doing hardly a thing on the computer because I was way too busy with other household things.  I ended up re-organizing the entire house room by room while he was gone.  The entire time, I planned to watch a specific movie by myself while he was away, but I never did it!  Because every evening I would just need to get to sleep so I could be up and ready for the next day.  It was all I could do.

After being in that place, when the winter began last year I fell into a slump because I got sick.  I think it was probably that one day that made the difference.  Instead of doing anything else, I sat in front of the television and began watching a new tv show on Netflix that I hadn't seen yet but heard about.  This show got me and I continued the entire day without stopping.  I believe this was a binging moment for me and after that everything in the world got thrown off kilter.  I kept trying to get that same spirit to return with me again as my constant but I felt abandoned.

I was rationalizing my media addiction.  I had been going without it for so long, I soaked it up like a sponge and the spirit couldn't fit in anymore.  I feel like I'm making headway again right now though.  Step 3 is the decision step.  I will be better again because this is where I make that decision again to put the Lord's will first and align my will with His once more.  That's the biggest key.  If I ever start putting my will first again, then it gets off again and I'm rolling away on some distant path where I didn't intend to go.

But this is where my patience comes in.  It isn't all going to happen at once.  If I choose the align my will with the Lord's will, it doesn't mean that magically I will feel the way I did last year again.  It will take time and effort daily to get there again.  If I really look back closely at my time last year, it was the same way.  I didn't just automatically have that spirit with me all the time, it came after I had been giving that daily effort toward aligning my will with the Lord's.  I have to do it and the more I do it, the stronger that spirit will become.

I remember that's how it was last year.  Every time I would follow the lighter feeling (in making a decision between a good thing and a better or best thing) and put the Lord first, letting go of my addictive desire to approach the computer instead of doing the dishes, or whatever...the moment I would choose the better thing, the spirit would grow.  The more times I did what was best, the easier it was for me to feel the spirit prompting me to choose the best option.  Every single day, it grew until I was so happy I felt like I was glowing with the spirit and with my own awareness of God's love for me, and it emulated into feeling love for others around me.

I need to trust God that when I choose the best thing every time He will bless me to feel more positive, happy, and He will bless me with more guidance to succeed as a better mom, a better wife, and a better me.  I need to be courageous and keep trying, even when I feel impatient.  My impatience is only going to delay it more because it's holding the spirit back for me to feel any kind of negativity.

Before reaching for my phone, I need to fall on my knees in the morning.  Before clicking to Facebook, I need to listen to a conference talk on lds.org (my new homepage).  Before telling my kids to do something, I need to study and ask the Lord for help to know how to talk to them and what to do that day.  Doing this will keep my priorities straight.