I get really impatient with myself and with the Lord. Last year I really had a time when I was feeling so positive and I had the Lord's spirit with me constantly. It felt so good. I would meet every decision to approach the computer or any task with the Lord by my side. If I felt at all heavy or if I felt the spirit withdraw even a millimeter, I would stop and re-evaluate what I was doing. I really succeeded in stepping away from my involvement with the media. I went a full two weeks last year when my husband was gone on business without watching a single movie or doing hardly a thing on the computer because I was way too busy with other household things. I ended up re-organizing the entire house room by room while he was gone. The entire time, I planned to watch a specific movie by myself while he was away, but I never did it! Because every evening I would just need to get to sleep so I could be up and ready for the next day. It was all I could do.
After being in that place, when the winter began last year I fell into a slump because I got sick. I think it was probably that one day that made the difference. Instead of doing anything else, I sat in front of the television and began watching a new tv show on Netflix that I hadn't seen yet but heard about. This show got me and I continued the entire day without stopping. I believe this was a binging moment for me and after that everything in the world got thrown off kilter. I kept trying to get that same spirit to return with me again as my constant but I felt abandoned.
I was rationalizing my media addiction. I had been going without it for so long, I soaked it up like a sponge and the spirit couldn't fit in anymore. I feel like I'm making headway again right now though. Step 3 is the decision step. I will be better again because this is where I make that decision again to put the Lord's will first and align my will with His once more. That's the biggest key. If I ever start putting my will first again, then it gets off again and I'm rolling away on some distant path where I didn't intend to go.
But this is where my patience comes in. It isn't all going to happen at once. If I choose the align my will with the Lord's will, it doesn't mean that magically I will feel the way I did last year again. It will take time and effort daily to get there again. If I really look back closely at my time last year, it was the same way. I didn't just automatically have that spirit with me all the time, it came after I had been giving that daily effort toward aligning my will with the Lord's. I have to do it and the more I do it, the stronger that spirit will become.
I remember that's how it was last year. Every time I would follow the lighter feeling (in making a decision between a good thing and a better or best thing) and put the Lord first, letting go of my addictive desire to approach the computer instead of doing the dishes, or whatever...the moment I would choose the better thing, the spirit would grow. The more times I did what was best, the easier it was for me to feel the spirit prompting me to choose the best option. Every single day, it grew until I was so happy I felt like I was glowing with the spirit and with my own awareness of God's love for me, and it emulated into feeling love for others around me.
I need to trust God that when I choose the best thing every time He will bless me to feel more positive, happy, and He will bless me with more guidance to succeed as a better mom, a better wife, and a better me. I need to be courageous and keep trying, even when I feel impatient. My impatience is only going to delay it more because it's holding the spirit back for me to feel any kind of negativity.
Before reaching for my phone, I need to fall on my knees in the morning. Before clicking to Facebook, I need to listen to a conference talk on lds.org (my new homepage). Before telling my kids to do something, I need to study and ask the Lord for help to know how to talk to them and what to do that day. Doing this will keep my priorities straight.