When I See a "Trigger Warning"...and Choosing Someone

Here's a quick tip: If something says "Trigger Warning" don't read it and don't go to it.  Just move on.

I recently got caught up in reading a webpage that had a "Trigger Warning" on it.  It wasn't pornographic by definition, and was actually meant to be a supportive awareness-type page.  It had pictures of victims of sexual abuse holding a hand-written sign in front of them with the phrases their abusers used against them.  Many of the phrases were demeaning or manipulative, some were excuses.  It was supposed to be a way to free these victims from the abuse they had experienced by speaking up about what they had gone through.  But for me, I guess it was a trigger.

I couldn't stop reading.  I couldn't stop going to the next photo to see what the next abuser had said.  I don't know why it became so hard for me to stop.  It got me in a bad place, and I felt Satan's angels around me tempting me to self-gratify.

I didn't.

But I wasn't happy because of the spirit that it had brought into my heart.  My husband got home from work while I was on my phone and he was annoyed because he thought I was on Facebook again (one of my other addictions) and so the rest of the evening went horribly.

I know it was because I hadn't stopped to begin with.  I hadn't realized that "Trigger Warning" was for me.  I didn't realize that I had a trigger like that.  But the fantasies that overcome me sometimes are caused by things like this and I need to realize it, acknowledge it, and so now I can avoid it.

Progress?  Well, I still haven't read my Step 5 to anyone.  But I think I need to continue because this stagnant stage I have gotten myself into is not helping me one bit!  But I am going to continue on to Step 6 keeping in mind that at any moment I will return to Step 5 to read my inventory aloud to someone because I know I need to do it.  I just don't know when or who, and I feel that it is a decision I need to make very carefully.

Which is odd, because I naturally have always been the type of person that spilled my soul out to whoever was passing by just because I never felt the need to keep my own secrets.  But I think finally I've worked the steps deep enough to get to those shameful nitty-gritty details that I just can't confide to just anybody.

Maybe I need to choose my old friend and confidant...she hadn't come to mind until just now because I don't think she has worked the steps or gone through the program.  But she is a social worker now, with a Masters.  Perhaps she is my best choice.  Time and distance have created a sort of rift between us lately.  Maybe I'll bridge the gap by being incredibly personal all of a sudden.  I'll pray about it.  Wish me luck.

Answers to Prayer

I'm going to begin Step 3 this week.  Before I do, I wanted to put some thoughts out there.

The other day my son was asking me for a glass of milk and I was stubbornly trying to get him to ask the correct question.  At first he of course says something like, "Mom. I don't have any milk!" Of course I'm not going to respond by giving him milk when it's not even a question.  Then he changed to "Can I have some milk?"  I responded with, "yes," but didn't do anything because he hadn't asked me to do anything specifically.  In a way I felt I was being callous because I knew what he was asking me to do but something kept me from doing it.  I had to prompt him in the end to say "Will you get me a glass of milk?" or even better, "Please, will you pour me the milk?"

It's just words, really.  The concept is the same, are the words that important?  After this happened I sat pondering about whether or not I was just being insanely stubborn or if there was a real principle to be taught by being so picky about simple words.

Then I felt the spirit teaching me about how God parents us.

Sometimes when we pray to him, it's not just what we are asking for but how we ask Him for it.  He knows what the concept is.  He understands what we want and need.  But He isn't going to just give us what we want when we throw a fit and say "I don't have this!  Why don't I have this?  Give it to me now!!!" He wouldn't respond to that any better then I do when my son acts that way.

If we just say "Please can I have it?" It's a little better, but still sometimes we might not get the answer to the prayer yet.  It's better manners to say please, but God wants us to figure things out and do our best before He will step in for us.  It reminds me of the Brother of Jared figuring out a way to make light in his barges.  He doesn't simply tell the Lord.  "We have no light.  Make it light in there please."  He goes and figures out a way.  He puts the effort in to hunt down the white stones and then humbly asks the Lord if he could touch the rocks for Him to make the light.

Being respectful is important.  Being rude is never a good idea for anyone.  But being specific about what we want from the Lord and thinking things through first help us to grow and that's what we are here for.  "Will you please pour me the milk?"

It also cheers my heart when my son remembers to say Thank You and I think that's why the Lord really loves it when we show gratitude.  It is in those little seemingly insignificant things like an expression of gratitude or a respectful request that warms the heart and makes me want to just give my children a squeeze.  Heavenly Father isn't that different.

The General Relief Society Conference was this past Saturday.  There was an underlying theme of covenant keeping throughout each talk, and I felt impressed about how to teach my children about the baptismal covenant.  The biggest thing that struck me during the conference, however, was the parallel that Linda S. Reeves made about the Provo Tabernacle.  This tabernacle was burned recently, and the results were devastating to Provo residents because the tabernacle was an old monument of history and was a cherished landmark.  After the fire, however, it was announced that the building would be converted into a beautiful temple!  Reeves talked about how sometimes the Lord allows the consuming painful flames to consume us, just as he allowed this tabernacle to be completely gutted by the flames.  It is hard and it can feel terrible, but it is not for nothing.  Someday after we are tried and tested and given hardships as much as we can possibly bear, we can become more then we imagined before.  Our purpose goes beyond the ordinary.  I was uplifted by the light at the end of the tunnel presented by this parellel.

But even better was that following her talk, the prophet spoke, and reminded us that when we are feeling utterly abandoned and swallowed up in darkness that all we need to do is pray.  He reminded us that the Lord indeed is aware of us at all times and He can give us the strength to endure the hardships we face, and He sends us tender mercies every day to help us get through.  All we need to do is pray, and look for the work of His hands in our lives.

I am so happy and excited for this weekend.