Jesus Knows

 
Sorry about the break. I was out of commission a while with a new baby.

Having a new baby made me realize how much hormones play into our lives as women and this effects recovery.  It also doesn't help that so much of the day is taken by sitting there doing nothing while the baby is eating. So I found myself turning to media a lot more and got caught up again in my media addiction, be it movies or Facebook.  I got really down and lazy. I don't how much of that was from my media addiction and how much was just from sleep deprivation or post-partum depression, though. Because all of those are factors right now.

I've had days when I feel like crying all day for no reason.
I've had days when I've escaped into the oblivion of other worlds through a tv screen (or my kindle).
I've had days when I feel productive because I get some laundry done, but then left the kitchen a mess.
I've made dinner one day (which is saying a lot because my husband is the usual cook).

But the thing that I've learned is that I'm not alone, and that I am cared about, and that the Lord knows.

One particular day I was feeling worse then usual. I went to the park with my neighbor and we had a good conversation about testimonies and how there are things we may not ever understand but that is ok.  Then after she left, I had a call from another friend in my ward randomly offering to bring me dinner. Then a phone call from the Relief Society presidency asking if they could come visit me in a couple days.

And that visit in a couple days came on another day when I was more tearful then usual.

But something one of them said resonated with me.  We were talking about how I feel so emotional all the time and how I've had some scary moments because of it. I'm just not myself.

One of them then told me that although she didn't know exactly how I felt she knew that Jesus did.

I knew Jesus suffered all the pains of the world, and suffered for my sins as well as all my heart-aches. But somehow it has always escaped me that Jesus also completely and perfectly understands the pains of being female and going through things like childbirth, miscarriage, and post-partum. He knows how I feel when my hormones are crazy and I'm frazzled. He knows how I feel when I'm up at 2 am with my eyes crossing involuntarily as I feed my baby.

Jesus knows.

That was huge for me. I've been feeling so alone. But I think many of the ladies in my neighborhood feel the same way. In almost every home on my street and the street next to it, there is a woman with small children trying her best to keep things going and feeling so alone.

In my house right at this moment as I am typing at my computer desk, a binkie and a stack of books are next to my keyboard, a large pile of unfolded clean children's clothing on the couch next to me (at least it's clean), scattered burp rags, children's books, and little-boy shoes on the floor, a swaddled baby in a swinging infant seat, and two little boys shouting "no" to each other....and Jesus knows what this is like.
And I imagine many other women in the same or similar position, He knows about them too. He doesn't just know about them, though. He knows how it is to be them.  He knows what it feels like to be where I am right now.

And I imagine He'd be telling me it's ok.

It's ok for me to cry for no reason right now. My body is tired. It's ok to leave the laundry for an extra hour so I can write on my blog. It's ok.  But the best thing for me to do, the thing that will help me most to feel better, is not another episode of Downton Abbey or American Idol or the Bachelor, or a random movie that looks good on Amazon Prime. It's Him.

All I need to do is take a time-out for Him in my day and I will have the extra push I need to get through the day and maybe not feel like crying so much.

Because unlike Lady Mary or Chris the Farmer, He knows. And He can take it away.

Step 1

That's right. I need Step 1.
Although there's a new support group program for the meetings I attend as a support person to an addict, I realized I really need to keep working the steps for my own problems and not just the principles. The principles are great, and all, but I have my own problems that I need to focus on, not just the pain caused from someone else.

So I realized the reason for my slip was because I hadn't been working very well on my own spirituality on a daily basis like I had before.

Honesty.
Fact: I have gone back into denial about my problems.
Fact: I thought I could rely on myself again, but I can't.
Fact: I never will be strong enough on my own because I am weak. The Lord is my strength.
Fact: When I rely on the Lord's strength, things become much easier.
Fact: In God's strength I can do ALL THINGS.

I felt trapped during and after my slip. My behavior and choice surprised and saddened me. I disappointed myself. I justified that I wouldn't give in to self grad, but just curiosity - but what could I really expect from myself when I put myself in a situation where I am separating myself from the Lord's presence?

Lately I have been also feeling more helpless and vulnerable because my son has been having major issues, and so we took him to child psychiatrist who diagnosed autism spectrum, ocd, depression and anxiety. At first I just thought, well, he's going to grow out of these things. I've thought that all his life. But I'm slowly realizing this is real. And it's making me feel helpless and sad, and I don't know what to do. I don't know what medicines are safe, I don't know if medication is right or wrong. I've heard such negatives about medication, but I know there is a purpose for it.  I've been desperate for answers from God and yet I'm not feeling close to Him.

So. Here's another Fact: I must make my relationship with God a priority every single day so I can be a better wife and mother.
Fact: These steps don't only apply to my addictive behaviors, but to my efforts as a mother.

God has a plan for me and my son. I must trust Him that if something we are doing is wrong, I will know it. God is great. I will rely on His strength.

When it comes to sin and shame, secrets are one of Satan's greatest tools and I must be brave enough to remain completely honest at all times about everything. I must humble myself and in doing so I will have greater strength to cope with this life.

To My Children When the Time Is Right

The following letter was prompted into my mind in the wee hours of the morning and I couldn't sleep until I wrote it down. I decided to share it here for others to gain from in whatever way you find helpful to your own family.

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Dear Young Ones

First of all I want you to know that the way your body feels is not an evil thing. Your body's natural reaction is a beautiful and sacred gift of God. He's given us these powerful feelings as a gift to recognize the sacredness in our gift and ability to create life here on earth. Your body's sensations are beautiful and perfect, when it's the right time, place, and with the right thoughts and methods. The spirit helps you to know if it is right.

After your body has these feelings, the spirit can either fill you with light, joy, and goodness that is uplifting or you may feel darkness, sadness, and heaviness. This is the spirit's way of communicating to you if you are exercising this gift at the right time and place or not. The heaviness and darkness is a warning. It does not mean your body is bad for feeling these feelings. It means you must put off the natural man and wait for the appropriate time and place. Every gift from God is wonderful and special, but also Satan's target. he wants to corrupt, degrade, or ruin our gifts and blessings. When we use this special gift when it is not right, Satan wins control over our feelings.

The right time and place to feel these powerful feelings are only with a spouse who you have married and are committed to for life or eternity. When we use this gift at this correct time and place, with good thoughts and methods, we can experience great joy that is light and uplifting because our spirits can celebrate in this great gift God has given us to create life on earth.

Outside of this time and place, our body's natural feelings are still pleasurable, but the feelings of joy are not present. Instead it is lust, greed, and selfishness. These feelings are dark and Satan uses them to make us feel ashamed and lead us away from God's plan of happiness. Satan even has chains of addiction related with this path that can catch us in his sorrowful snare.

However, our Savior is infinitely more powerful. If we are ever led away by Satan's half-truths and caught in his dark plans of shame, we must remember our Savior's wonderful and perfect atonement. We never need to feel ashamed. We can give those mistakes to the Savior and He will cleanse us. This road is difficult, however. I truly desire for you to follow and head the warnings of the Spirit immediately to avoid Satan's traps.

You are a glorious child of God with infinite potential and you have a spirit inside you that feeds upon the light. Give your spirit light every day through scripture study and prayer and your spirit will be strong when temptations come. Follow the promptings from the Holy Ghost every time and it will become a habit that gets easier every time you face it. As you do this, you will be led down the path Heavenly Father has given for you in His plan of happiness.

I love you and want you to know you can always trust and rely on me to be there for you and listen to you. but I also want you to know that even more than me, your Father in Heaven loves you, understands you, and wants the best for you. Your Savior is also your friend that will always be there to listen and uplift you.

Love Mom

More on the Nature of Addiction

What's the most frustrating thing about the nature of my addiction to masturbation (or self gratification) is that I once decided that perhaps when I feel the temptation I could just go to my husband and after practicing a healthy expression of feelings the temptation would go away.  But no.  This is not what happens, sadly.  Because my body is practiced to react only to a certain kind of stimulus, not through healthy intercourse, the only way to satisfy the feelings is to fulfill it in the way my body recognizes.  Because it just doesn't work the same way.  The only way to deal with this is to abstain from the behavior my body craves and so I can develop a more healthy habit and my body can gain more practice in the right way of doing things.

I get so frustrated when I have just been with my husband sometime during the day and even in the same day I find my body giving me carnal signals of desire and temptation strikes.  And there is nothing I can do about it but pray and hope for the Lord to remove the temptation from me.

 I must believe that He will.

One way I have decided to practice is by really fasting.  I have talked about it before in another post.  But fasting is one way to exercise my ability to put the Lord before the natural man.  It strengthens my resolve to put aside my carnal desires and put the Lord first.  This past Sunday was fast Sunday and man was I struggling with it!  Not only was I incredibly hungry while giving my children their breakfast, when I escaped to my bedroom there was a box of See's candies calling to me...and then while I was journaling about it I was hit by another kind of temptation.  Then my husband ate a cinnamon roll of all things (his excuse was because he had to take some medication for back pain...) and I was so hungry and upset!  YET the hidden blessing was that at that point my hunger temptation overcame the other temptation and so I was able to get by.

Still haven't slipped since before I began step 1!  Harrah!

I was thinking more about the nature of my addiction and I realized that the character weaknesses I got because of this addiction bled into other aspects in my life a lot more then I previously realized.  I realized that there are patterns of behavior that reach back to my childhood where I would hide a negative thing about myself, either a deed or a motive, and play the innocent victim so other people would think I was just innocent and take pity on me or feel bad for me.  I did it to my peers and my family members all the time.  I remember thinking to myself that I could get away with anything because no one would suspect angelic me!  I was so prideful and self righteous but deep down I knew I was being wicked and covering it up to other people.

If I would feel bad for not doing something because of laziness, or if I didn't want to take responsibility for something I had done, I would outsource the blame and play the victim.  As a child I got away with this all the time and it reached all the way up into my college life, when I went before the bishop in order to tell him about how my new boyfriend had sinned by "taking advantage of me" and that his bishop needed to know about it.  My bishop had sat before me and looked at me in awe and amazement.  He'd told me that I was headed in a very dangerous direction and I needed to open my eyes.  I didn't understand what he was talking about.  Something in my head refused to get it.  But I was indeed refusing to acknowledge my own responsibility for what had happened.  I was prideful and unrepentant for my own sins, and because of that I WAS headed into a very dangerous place and I got myself into trouble!

Instead, I should have acknowledged my own fault in the situation and felt guilty at least a little bit.  If I had, I could have safeguarded my future a lot better then I did.  I was really in an unsafe mindset.

I realized then that I had entered into the life of college thinking that without my parents to set ground-rules I was just on my own to do my own thing my own way and I didn't need ground-rules because I knew better.  I wouldn't do what I didn't believe was right.  That's what I told myself.  But without setting my own ground-rules I was allowing myself to walk on dangerous ground.  I needed to set clear boundaries for myself!  But I think the way I saw things may even stem from my addiction.  I had been practicing the habit of hiding my own guilt from myself all my life!  I guess it bled into other aspects of my life outside of this one habit.  It prepped me to be more curious and open to perspicuity and sin as a young adult.  Addiction sucks!

Because of my addiction, I have developed character flaws of self-deception and self-righteousness all wrapped up together in a ball of pride and tied with a ribbon of vanity.  I cared more about what other people thought of me then what God thought, and that was bad.

I really hope that taking step 5 this time will help me beat away these tendencies for good.  I know it's just a baby step, however, and I will probably be fighting off these things for the rest of my life.

The Nature of Addiction

Today people say childhood masturbation is natural.  It's ok as long as you teach your child to touch him or herself when others cannot see.  Even parenthood websites and medical advice may point you in this direction.

From my experience, I can testify to you, this mentality is very wrong.  I have seen the effects this can have on the body.  When the brain practices one way of thinking for a long time, the neurons become larger and it creates a highway in your brain.  You have lots of side roads, but those that are used the most become the highways.  Addictive behaviors are highways, and other more natural behaviors become the side roads.  In my case, I have a big highway in my brain now for self gratification.  I don't use it very often anymore, but it's still a highway, and I'm now trying to widen the road of marital intimacy, and it's going to take lots of time.

May I also add that the body practices with the brain.  So, an addicts body has learned to respond only to what it knows best.  It simply won't respond as readily to a side road in the brain then it will to the highway.

I know someone who is married to a military man.  They attended a conference together about military marriage, and the expert there informed them that the advice men were given before to masturbate while away for long periods of time is now becoming more and more apparent to be bad advice because this bad habit is ruining marital intimacies between couples.  Men are coming back having built a highway in their brain and retrained their bodies to respond in ways that are not compatible to a healthy marital relationship.

Furthermore, habits that are also addictive in nature (because they create chemicals in the brain similar to drugs, but are more powerful because they are also natural) also becoming a coping mechanism under stress.  (Pornography can be categorized here, although I haven't ever allowed myself to personally succumb to this temptation I know that because of the nature of my own addiction it would have a strong hold on me if I ever did.)

Much of this information on the brain can be found in this book called He Restoreth My Soul, by Donald L. Hilton, Jr., MD

When a normal brain is met with stress, the natural reaction is to enter fight or flight mode.  When studies have been made on the brain, rational thought is located in the frontal area of the brain.  Fight or flight mode is located in an entirely different place within the brain.  This is why when someone enters fight or flight mode, they are no longer thinking rationally, but are acting purely on emergency instinct.

But the addict under stress, instead of entering fight or flight mode, goes to the addictive behavior.  This is why an addict to something like heroine may do something absolutely unthinkable in order to obtain a fix.  Afterward they may even say "I don't know what I was thinking." and be completely bogged down in guilt and despair, but still completely out of control.  It's because when they enter that stress mode, they leave rational thought and things are completely out of control.  Having this understanding has helped me to understand why an addict needs help and is powerless to conquer the addiction alone.  Step 1.