Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Step 1

That's right. I need Step 1.
Although there's a new support group program for the meetings I attend as a support person to an addict, I realized I really need to keep working the steps for my own problems and not just the principles. The principles are great, and all, but I have my own problems that I need to focus on, not just the pain caused from someone else.

So I realized the reason for my slip was because I hadn't been working very well on my own spirituality on a daily basis like I had before.

Fact: I have gone back into denial about my problems.
Fact: I thought I could rely on myself again, but I can't.
Fact: I never will be strong enough on my own because I am weak. The Lord is my strength.
Fact: When I rely on the Lord's strength, things become much easier.
Fact: In God's strength I can do ALL THINGS.

I felt trapped during and after my slip. My behavior and choice surprised and saddened me. I disappointed myself. I justified that I wouldn't give in to self grad, but just curiosity - but what could I really expect from myself when I put myself in a situation where I am separating myself from the Lord's presence?

Lately I have been also feeling more helpless and vulnerable because my son has been having major issues, and so we took him to child psychiatrist who diagnosed autism spectrum, ocd, depression and anxiety. At first I just thought, well, he's going to grow out of these things. I've thought that all his life. But I'm slowly realizing this is real. And it's making me feel helpless and sad, and I don't know what to do. I don't know what medicines are safe, I don't know if medication is right or wrong. I've heard such negatives about medication, but I know there is a purpose for it.  I've been desperate for answers from God and yet I'm not feeling close to Him.

So. Here's another Fact: I must make my relationship with God a priority every single day so I can be a better wife and mother.
Fact: These steps don't only apply to my addictive behaviors, but to my efforts as a mother.

God has a plan for me and my son. I must trust Him that if something we are doing is wrong, I will know it. God is great. I will rely on His strength.

When it comes to sin and shame, secrets are one of Satan's greatest tools and I must be brave enough to remain completely honest at all times about everything. I must humble myself and in doing so I will have greater strength to cope with this life.

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