Daily Scriptures Giving Me Daily Lessons

 
Obviously I didn't post a whole lot about it, but I have been doing better with my daily spiritual check-ins. I decided in the rush of my world right now, checking in with my Lord is the best way for me to fit that spirituality into my every day. So whenever I think of it and make the time (usually sometime in the morning after my older kids are at school) I read the Book of Mormon and continue my study. Once a week I've started into the "ponderize" challenge and hang a new scripture on the wall, which is selected at random, actually. I turn to a random page in my triple combination and read the page and choose a scripture. If I happen to randomly turn to the Topical Guide or some kind of reference page, I randomly place a finger somewhere and look up that reference. Doing this, I have been surprised at how much I see God's hand in the selections. I have been guided to the same page more than once and realized that another scripture on that page was what I should have selected in the first place. And I have been guided to a scripture along the same lessons of what I had been gaining from my scripture study. I love how God's hand is in everything when I'm trying my best to follow Him.

I've been gaining more self-acceptance lately through different things I have been doing. I'm dressing better, feeling better, and it's awesome. I'm embracing my strengths and letting myself feel what I feel and that's awesome too. But I've been struggling especially with media addiction lately. I cannot stay off Facebook and it's really started to bug me. I challenge myself to stay away and still have found myself there again. I haven't had the app on my phone forever, but I still go the long route to look it up on my internet app. It's better than what it could be, but I know I am not being present for my kids. But over the last couple weeks, in which I have been getting my ponderize scriptures about not laboring for things without worth and avoiding idleness, I've gotten more busy and that's helped me.

In 2 Nephi it describes the Nephites as being taught to work with their hands and value the joys of hard work and productivity. It contrasts with describing the Lamanites and an idle and lazy people. Then it says that the Nephites lived after the manner of happiness. It struck me that the manner of happiness in life is finding joy in hard work. I felt like the message was for me and that I need to really get off my duff in serving my family and doing things for my husband and stuff and then I will find the most happiness and joy. It's true to my nature to find joy in being busy with good things. I get depressed with I'm stuck in the rut of laziness.

Scripture study seriously helps me and I feel a big difference when I'm working to include that in my daily routine. But sometimes I miss out on that. But I don't get down about it. I'm getting it in more often than not and that's a good thing. I'll just keep trying my best to do what I can.

The other thing I'm doing to avoid idleness is going back to school in January. PHEW! Big step, but I feel right about seeking those last few steps to my degree and see where life takes me after that. Talk about getting more productive! Should be interesting but I'm determined.

On another note, my husband had been doing well but lost his recovery journal and then when I went out of town he had the biggest slip in a long time. I feel nothing but love and sorrow for him now and I'm so glad I can separate my happiness from his challenges. I truly know he can pull up from this one because I know he can.

The Days After a Slip

You know the scene: My husband was moody and I was wondered what was wrong.  It was a slip. I'm in a good place of honesty with my husband. I know not everyone has that, but I also know with recovery efforts on both sides it can happen.

The familiar scene with dishonesty is pain and hurt because of secrecy. Arfter discovery it's more pain and hurt because of the lack of trust and the objectification felt when a spouse takes the addicted's behavior personally (which is understandable! But not helpful.). When honesty is present, that familiar scene before recovery is often tearful, still filled with pain because of helplessness and mistrust. It drives a wedge between the spouses felt by both sides.

Recovery has been a growth process for us but I feel a big difference in the scenario.

This time when he told me he slipped I felt no personal pain. Instead I felt compassion for him because I knew he was feeling guilty and dirty and experiencing backlash and after pains, being haunted by fresh memories and fighting the craving to refresh those memories. I felt pain FOR him.

I was also a bit angry at Satan using the internet once again as his tool of destruction. My anger was aimed at the correct place. Instead of at my husband, a good man struggling, I was maddened by the source of all pain and sin, the devil and His temptations.

I held my husband a while, telling him I was sorry for what he was going through. Then I felt the Lord guide me with His love to use the right words.

I reminded him not to give up. He'd already fallen two days in a row before telling me, and that told me he was losing faith. I reminded him that he is better than that, and not to give up. I also reminded him that the next couple days would be harder, maybe even the next couple weeks. Temptations are worse when the memories are fresh. The brain goes through stronger withdrawals as the images in the memory begin to fade. When images are fresh, the brain begins to hunger for more but the longer you abstain, the weaker the cravings and the stronger your spiritual strength.

Then you watch out for triggers. He had slipped because of a trigger. I hope he can turn to me when he is triggered so I can be more helpful.

It felt so good to have a moment of complete and loving support for each other without the pain. This is being brought together instead of torn apart! Satan will not succeed in tearing us apart through his evil ways. I'm remaining by the side of this good man and we will make it together.

Separating Righteous Intimacy from Addiction

This post is along the same lines as my last one in the way that it pertains to both someone with an addiction, and a spouse of an addicted loved one.

Early one recent morning I awoke from a dream I was having with my heart pounding in anger. I looked over at my sleeping husband and vividly felt the angry feelings subside as I realized what had happened in the dream hadn't happened in real life. However, I do know that dreams have a way of working out subconscious emotions. I reviewed the dream in my head and came up with an interesting conclusion. My anger at my husband came because he had been acting exactly like me!

I'll give a bit of a warning before you read about my dream because it is a personal dream. However, I'm an open person and this blog is anonymous. I will attempt to write in the most tactical way so as not to trigger anybody.

In the beginning of the dream I was feeling devotion and affection for my husband and was trying to pull him closer to me. He was laying down, faced away from me and as I prodded him and tried to show him my interest, he did not respond. I even got a physical response from him, but he wasn't acknowledging it. I hope that makes sense without me having to go into any greater detail.

I started feeling sad then, and asked him what was the matter and why he wouldn't face me. He finally looked at me with a blank and withdrawn expression and said, "The only reason you want to be with me is because you've been looking at naked pictures online." I immediately objected. I told him I promised I hadn't at all that day and that I hadn't in a long time. I wracked my brain for when I had but he turned away and I knew he wouldn't believe me anyway. I was hurt, and then I was mad.

"How dare you!" I thought. "How could you use that against me when you know how much it hurts me. How could you even think my feelings for you have anything to do with that filth! How could you even suppose that I was that heartless!"

I cried. I ended up sitting on the floor on the other side of the bed crying. But then I got so angry at him, I threw myself back onto the bed to start striking him on the shoulder and scream at him that he was so mean!

That's when I woke up.

The feelings were so real because they are honest and true. My addiction has nothing to do with the way I feel about my husband.

And then the light came on at that thought. His feelings about me have nothing to do with his addiction either.

For so long I had felt hurt because his actions from his addiction were somehow connected to his feelings for me. I'm not saying they aren't to the spouse or loved one. To someone without a sexual addiction, physical intimacy is ONLY about love. Addiction is not about love at all. It's corrupt and is completely separate from love.

Now in my last post I addressed the myth that physical intimacy can help ease temptations from addiction. That is not true. Temptations will still exist, and could come on just as strong even after being intimate in a healthy relationship.  However I will add this. Having a truly loving relationship with someone still helps emotionally and spiritually.  Being intimate with my spouse helps me to appreciate the beauty in the act of a healthy spiritual, emotion, and physical experience with someone I have covenanted to love and care for. It's in complete contrast from addictive behaviors, which drag one down into shame and sorrow. Instead, a healthy experience with my loved one who I have covenanted to cherish for eternity uplifts my soul and brightens my spirit.

I'll add this experience doesn't always feel that way. I want to acknowledge those who still feel filthy during intimacy with their spouse. It's a very sad but true reality that sometimes even with a spouse we can feel like a tool or the outlet for addiction. This is when we are completely justified and right in saying, not tonight, dear.

The spirit is not here.

But as we pray together and work to have that spiritual presence with us, the experience can become healthy and beautiful again. I testify that it has worked for my relationship and has helped us both as we fight off our temptations and cleave to each other.

I hope sharing this will help somebody out there.

Progress

 

About my posts here and here on lowering my expectations toward my husband,
I just wanted to say...

My husband gave me a ring and wrote me a poem on our anniversary this year!
I was shocked.

He also has been noticing and acknowledging little things lately that make me feel so loved and cared about.
For example, he asked me if I was doing ok when I laid down on the couch the other day.

Warm fuzzies. :)

It Still Hurts

 
This is my first post really about living with a spouse who is addicted to pornography. Up until this point I've been writing about my own recovery. But today I can't go to my recovery meeting because my son is sick, and I just need to share just to let it out. Venting into the void, I guess.

I wish I could say I have overcome all pain associated with my husband's slips. I wanted to be there in that safe place where my peace was uninterrupted. But when my husband has the kind of slip that he has had now, it effects me again in a way I didn't expect. What hurts isn't necessarily what he looked at or if he acted out physically while looking, but that his intent was there. He sought it out.

For a while now every time my husband has confessed to me about a slip it has been because he was looking at something else online and got caught off guard with something. Or he was checking to see if the safe eyes system we have installed really works by purposefully searching a fowl keyword. That always drove me nuts. What does he think is going to happen? Of course if you look for it something will sneak its way through the system.

But this time, he'd happened upon a stupid YouTube video off to the side and ignored it, but days later was still haunted and tempted to go seek it out again until finally he did.

He told me he'd fought off the temptation all of Monday because it was my birthday and he didn't want to slip on that day.

So he waited until the next day...while I was in the other room no less!

That was the first I had it brought to my attention he'd struggled while I was home. It's been usually a problem if I go out for long periods of time and he's got idle time on his hands when temptation will strike.

I had a friend of mine give me a lecture recently on how I need to stand up for myself and take time away more often. My husband gets to go out to go golfing or fishing or off to (unbeknownst to her) recovery meetings, and I don't go out except for on the rare occasion that it's a friend's birthday or someone happens to be throwing a baby shower or something (or for my own recovery meeting). She went on about it until she finally started talking about herself, which I knew is where the lecture really rooted from in the first place. I could just sort of nod and shrug at her suggestions because I know how it looks to her. To an outsider who doesn't understand the situation, my husband gets to do whatever he wants and I watch the kids. Then when I go out I have got to get home soon to take care of the kids or because my husband is feeling anxious for some reason. It looks like I don't get a life or that I'm controlled.

Well, I am controlled, but it's not because of what they think.

I do feel like every single time I go out he has a slip. I know it's not my fault because I cannot take that responsibility. It's out of my control. But at the same time, I know it's easier for him to slip when I'm not there so it's made me, without realizing it, become more of a hermit. But it's not just to keep him from slipping, but it's a form of protection for my children. I hate going out with the risk that he will slip and one of these times my son will happen along to see or hear or witness something. It's my nightmare. At some point my kids will be exposed to something, at some point in their lives they will- it's inevitable- but my hope is to keep that point in time from happening until they're at least a little older. My oldest is only 7.

Not that there are a lot of friends for me to go out with anyway, but it is nice to have a night out once in a while, and I'm talking about more then twice a year, and I'm talking about more then just dates out with my husband.

That being said...somehow it hurt that much more that I was in the other room when he slipped this time. Why? Why couldn't he have just come to me or called his support person? He knew for days he was being tempted and trying to fight it off. He didn't.

The addiction doesn't want him to get support. The addiction wants to be kept a secret so it can continue to thrive and control his life.

I thought I was past feeling that disappointment in him and that hurt. My recovery has helped me understand him more, and become better for myself, and to be a stronger support for him, but I still cannot be his support person. He has to rely on someone else more then me because it still hurts me. As long as I've been in recovery, it still hurts.