Ask, and Receive

Of course.

I felt I was doing well last night but my heartburn kept me up in the night, my mind wandered into indulgence and I slipped. I failed to stop when I could have. I should have.

This morning I waited for the guilt to crush me. It didn't. I confessed to my husband. I don't know what I wanted from his reaction but I didn't get it. From his reaction I couldn't even be sure he heard me as he left for work.

I sat to read the scriptures this morning. Only yesterday I re-committed myself to this daily study during breakfast. Don't stop now. As I pondered and journaled, I realized I was waiting for shame to crush me, not guilt. Shame is what hurts. I was already feeling guilty because I was disappointed in myself. I'm better then this! Why did I allow this?

I turned to 2 Nephi 4. This is the chapter when Nephi says he delights in the scriptures but is harrowed up by his own sins. "O, wretched man that I am!" I especially identified with verses 27-31. Why do I give in to these sins which destroy my peace? But then I can follow his example in beginning again. "Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin...give place no more for the enemy of my soul." Then he asks for help.

In my studies yesterday, I read about Prayer in the Bible Dictionary and was reminded that God gives to those who ask while submitting to His will and uniting with Christ by praying in His name. Matt. 7:7-11 reminded me that I'm praying to my father. He is forever willing to bless me with gifts. (This felt appropriate at Christmas time.) If an earthly father, being wicked, is so willing to provide gifts to his children, how much more willing is our Heavenly Father to bless us when we ask?

Well this morning this concept was repeated to me again from 2 Nephi 4:35. "I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh."

I need to ask Him. I need to pray in that moment of temptation. He will help if only I ask. It's all in my desire to ask His help. I think sometimes in those moments it's hardest because I am wrestling with my desires. A part of me, that human corrupt part, doesn't want Him to help me because that part of me desires indulgence. I must continue to strengthen the other part of me- that spiritual part of me that desires righteousness- because it must be stronger to win the fight.

So more then ever after a slip I must return to scriptures and prayer.

Step 1

That's right. I need Step 1.
Although there's a new support group program for the meetings I attend as a support person to an addict, I realized I really need to keep working the steps for my own problems and not just the principles. The principles are great, and all, but I have my own problems that I need to focus on, not just the pain caused from someone else.

So I realized the reason for my slip was because I hadn't been working very well on my own spirituality on a daily basis like I had before.

Honesty.
Fact: I have gone back into denial about my problems.
Fact: I thought I could rely on myself again, but I can't.
Fact: I never will be strong enough on my own because I am weak. The Lord is my strength.
Fact: When I rely on the Lord's strength, things become much easier.
Fact: In God's strength I can do ALL THINGS.

I felt trapped during and after my slip. My behavior and choice surprised and saddened me. I disappointed myself. I justified that I wouldn't give in to self grad, but just curiosity - but what could I really expect from myself when I put myself in a situation where I am separating myself from the Lord's presence?

Lately I have been also feeling more helpless and vulnerable because my son has been having major issues, and so we took him to child psychiatrist who diagnosed autism spectrum, ocd, depression and anxiety. At first I just thought, well, he's going to grow out of these things. I've thought that all his life. But I'm slowly realizing this is real. And it's making me feel helpless and sad, and I don't know what to do. I don't know what medicines are safe, I don't know if medication is right or wrong. I've heard such negatives about medication, but I know there is a purpose for it.  I've been desperate for answers from God and yet I'm not feeling close to Him.

So. Here's another Fact: I must make my relationship with God a priority every single day so I can be a better wife and mother.
Fact: These steps don't only apply to my addictive behaviors, but to my efforts as a mother.

God has a plan for me and my son. I must trust Him that if something we are doing is wrong, I will know it. God is great. I will rely on His strength.

When it comes to sin and shame, secrets are one of Satan's greatest tools and I must be brave enough to remain completely honest at all times about everything. I must humble myself and in doing so I will have greater strength to cope with this life.

Godly Sorrow: Guilt vs. Shame

I had a conversation with my husband the other night when he had slipped in his own addiction again. He was hitting a low on it, and I tried to tell him not to let it get him down so much but he thought he needed to feel bad, otherwise he felt like he wasn't taking it as seriously as it needed to be taken. I understood what he meant. We don't want to make light of serious things or shrug things off as "no big deal" because that is a tool of denial used in the past before recovery. In recovery we must take responsibility for our wrongs.

But I don't think we need to drag ourselves in the dust either.

Finally the idea came into my mind as an example that I could explain more clearly to my husband. We mustn't allow ourselves to get healthy feelings of guilt for sin mixed up with being ashamed of ourselves. There is a big difference in these two feelings after committing a wrong. One of them is another of Satan's tools to drag us further into our mistakes. The other is Godly sorrow. Can you guess which is which?

I described these examples:
When we feel guilty for our sin, feeling healthy Godly sorrow, we are separate from the sin. Our inner dialog would sound something like this: "I feel bad for doing what I have done because I know it is wrong. I shouldn't have done it because I am better than that. I am worth more than that. I don't want to do it again."

When we cross the line into shame, suddenly our inner dialog is much darker and Satan can use it against us to drive us further into our sins and problems. It sounds something like this: "I feel terrible for doing what I have done because I wanted to do it. But it is who I am and I loath myself because I did this terrible thing and feel like I want to do it again." We drive ourselves into self-loathing so much, while also enabling ourselves and excusing our behavior by saying it is who we are. Satan can take this and drive us further into doing terrible deeds until we hate ourselves even more, hate the world, and do even worse things that we hate.  It's a vicious cycle that I believe has driven people to all kinds of horrible acts in this world, even murder. I honestly think that at one point in a murderer's life they began innocently, but turned to this self loathing or self "acceptance" as some in the world may put it, and drive themselves deeper and deeper into the pit of sin.

I believe my examples hit home to my husband and helped him pull himself out of the despair of shame and into the more healthy light of feeling guilt for sin, or Godly sorrow, which is much more healthy and productive for recovery.

I hope as we all recover we can be careful about distinguishing between these feelings and so we can be kept free from Satan's shackles and remember our value as children of God with great purpose.

I am not my addiction.

Pray without Ceasing, Follow His Will, Step 11 Cont

If I do my part,  the Lord will do the rest.   The Lord is near when I draw near to Him.  If I can make this my daily priority to draw near to the Lord in prayer, then He will be with me always in everything I do.

Pray without ceasing.

I need to put this as a plaque in my wall.  One way to pray always is to be grateful always, for everything,  even things I don't understand.

I just read The Hiding Place,  which follows Carrie Ten Bloom through her experiences during WWII. There is a part in it when she is in the concentration camp and her sister tells her they should give thanks to the Lord for the fleas.  She couldn't fathom a reason to thank the Lord for that,  but her sister insisted that everything the Lord gives is given for His wise purposes.

Later on they discover that the reason they have enough privacy in a certain area for gospel studies and spiritual sharing is because the Nazi soldiers wouldn't go in on account of the fleas! At that time she was able to grasp the Lord's divine purpose and she could say they were a blessing.

I love so much about that book because it has such great examples of faith and truth that pierce to the heart.

But it's true that sometimes we may not see the Lord's purpose in "blessing" us with His "fleas" but we can have the faith to know He has a divine purpose in everything He gives us and we can be grateful for it all.

It's hard to do sometimes.

I love that abstinence is described in step 11 as a form of fasting.  Fasting is denying the natural man and withstanding physical desires. So is abstinence!

Abstinence can increase our spirituality and ability to receive guidance and direction through revelation. And studying scriptures consistently also furthers that sensitivity to the spirit.  We can "learn the language" of the scriptures by studying them every day. Verses can have new and different meanings to each person, each time it's read,  if we are open to allow the spirit to teach us.

One more thing I thought about today with step 11 is that I must acknowledge Him in every good thing I do in this world. Because as I do good,  I am doing His work,  not mine.

Understanding this helps me to understand something I was told as a teen and I didn't understand. We know Christ is the creator of the world because He did the creating,  however I was told that Heavenly Father really created the world through Christ. I never understood that until now.  But really,  Christ was doing Heavenly Father's work! He was being God's hands. I can too.

I must submit to His will so I can be His hands and do great things according to His plan for me. 

Step 6 Continued, ReCommitting

 
My past attitude about self gratification was that it wasn't any big deal.  I was mistakenly trying to make my marriage better.  But before then, even, when I struggled during my single life, it was because I couldn't give up the pleasurable feelings and I didn't see how it was impeding me.  I never knew better, though, because I never went without it.  It was a constant since my tiny childhood years.  My feelings were unrepentant because I denied how detrimental my behavior was.

I feel that now I have given it up completely, but I still have rationalized my media addiction.  It's a little harder to differentiate and pinpoint when there is a problem, because the problem is only present when I'm getting a high from the use of media.  If I'm escaping reality or numbing myself through that immersion into another world.  The biggest clue is if I lose the spirit's companionship.

I need to realize my dependence upon the Lord for everything and show my acceptance of this dependence by dedicating my time to prayer and strengthening my connection to Him every single day.  By doing that, I can be led by His will in my everyday choices, so I can remain free from the binds of addiction.

I have now made a list of my weaknesses with the strengths they can become written next to them.  It's interesting to look at this list and feel hopeful that one day I might be completely humble but confident, without the "better than" or "worse than" attitude that I have had.  Someday I can become completely in ownership of myself and who I am.  My likes and dislikes will become evident realities of my identity and I will no longer chameleon other people's.  It will be a time when I can no longer feel sexually inadequate, but have a healthy relationship with my husband and the Lord.  A time when I am ever present in my own life and no longer lost in another world of fantasies or dreams.  I will be the kind of person who allows others to make mistakes without trying to be their savior or rescuer.  I will serve others while also providing healthy boundaries by the guidance of the spirit in my life.

I have never lost the desire to participate in church activities.  It is what saved me in my youth and when I lost my way in college.  I always attended church anyway.  I believe my life could have gotten much harder if I hadn't.  But at the same time, I felt somehow that I did not belong.  I saw the world in a different way from how these people at church saw the world.  I felt alone.  But as I try to allow the Savior to strengthen me now and dwell within me always, I can see how everyone at church is really much like myself.  We are all striving to allow the Savior's power to heal our hearts and guide our lives.  Knowing this helps me to feel more unified with the members of my ward at church.


My recovery began in a sneaky way, with me pointing fingers at my husband and then having my hand turned to point at myself.  Over and over again.
I would say "it" (all my unhappy circumstances wrapped up with a big frowny-face bowtie) was because of one of his obnoxious qualities, and then because of his addictions, and then I would get a nice surprise.  Something about myself would get revealed to me and I would realize I was guilty.

How self righteous, how proud, how blinded I was.  I'm thankful those baby steps provided by the Addiction Recovery Program have slowly given me the chance to open my eyes and own my faults, little by little.  How far I've come.  How far I have yet to go.

It's so sad how evil tries to justify itself.  It's constantly making excuses.  Every abuser, every sinner, makes some kind of excuse to alleviate their conscience so they don't have to feel the pain of guilt.  But then it only puts them in Satan's hands when they - I - when I refuse to feel Godly Sorrow for my wrongs.  The steps help me get there.

I have learned that being perfect is impossible.  But that's ok!  I've learned that my Savior is there for this very reason.  In taking upon His name, I am made clean and whole. "Perfect" in the scriptures is defined also as "complete".  I know I can only be made complete in the Savior, if I am daily placing myself in His hands.

Recovery is ongoing.
It is never finished.
Always needed.
Always repeated.
I need to be patient with myself because the Lord is patient with me, as His child.
I need Him every single hour.  I know that my Redeemer lives.

YLDS Radio helps.  I need to play it every day.  Music brings the spirit into my heart better then anything else.  Today I've been sitting and listening to it as I have read and it has brought the sweetest spirit into my heart that I never want to let go.  It's made me recommit myself to keeping it with me, and doing what it takes to keep this feeling with me always.  I must commit to maintaining a healthy balance in my home with every form of media or technology, so that balance can keep the spirit in my home.  I want my kids to feel that difference.

 

Step 3 Continued: Patience

I get really impatient with myself and with the Lord.  Last year I really had a time when I was feeling so positive and I had the Lord's spirit with me constantly.  It felt so good.  I would meet every decision to approach the computer or any task with the Lord by my side.  If I felt at all heavy or if I felt the spirit withdraw even a millimeter, I would stop and re-evaluate what I was doing.  I really succeeded in stepping away from my involvement with the media.  I went a full two weeks last year when my husband was gone on business without watching a single movie or doing hardly a thing on the computer because I was way too busy with other household things.  I ended up re-organizing the entire house room by room while he was gone.  The entire time, I planned to watch a specific movie by myself while he was away, but I never did it!  Because every evening I would just need to get to sleep so I could be up and ready for the next day.  It was all I could do.

After being in that place, when the winter began last year I fell into a slump because I got sick.  I think it was probably that one day that made the difference.  Instead of doing anything else, I sat in front of the television and began watching a new tv show on Netflix that I hadn't seen yet but heard about.  This show got me and I continued the entire day without stopping.  I believe this was a binging moment for me and after that everything in the world got thrown off kilter.  I kept trying to get that same spirit to return with me again as my constant but I felt abandoned.

I was rationalizing my media addiction.  I had been going without it for so long, I soaked it up like a sponge and the spirit couldn't fit in anymore.  I feel like I'm making headway again right now though.  Step 3 is the decision step.  I will be better again because this is where I make that decision again to put the Lord's will first and align my will with His once more.  That's the biggest key.  If I ever start putting my will first again, then it gets off again and I'm rolling away on some distant path where I didn't intend to go.

But this is where my patience comes in.  It isn't all going to happen at once.  If I choose the align my will with the Lord's will, it doesn't mean that magically I will feel the way I did last year again.  It will take time and effort daily to get there again.  If I really look back closely at my time last year, it was the same way.  I didn't just automatically have that spirit with me all the time, it came after I had been giving that daily effort toward aligning my will with the Lord's.  I have to do it and the more I do it, the stronger that spirit will become.

I remember that's how it was last year.  Every time I would follow the lighter feeling (in making a decision between a good thing and a better or best thing) and put the Lord first, letting go of my addictive desire to approach the computer instead of doing the dishes, or whatever...the moment I would choose the better thing, the spirit would grow.  The more times I did what was best, the easier it was for me to feel the spirit prompting me to choose the best option.  Every single day, it grew until I was so happy I felt like I was glowing with the spirit and with my own awareness of God's love for me, and it emulated into feeling love for others around me.

I need to trust God that when I choose the best thing every time He will bless me to feel more positive, happy, and He will bless me with more guidance to succeed as a better mom, a better wife, and a better me.  I need to be courageous and keep trying, even when I feel impatient.  My impatience is only going to delay it more because it's holding the spirit back for me to feel any kind of negativity.

Before reaching for my phone, I need to fall on my knees in the morning.  Before clicking to Facebook, I need to listen to a conference talk on lds.org (my new homepage).  Before telling my kids to do something, I need to study and ask the Lord for help to know how to talk to them and what to do that day.  Doing this will keep my priorities straight.