Never Finished

 

Now that I've completed posting steps 1 through 12, you might think I'm finished blogging. I've reached the end of the manual. I'm done working the steps. I'm done blogging about it.

Nope.

You see, I'm not dead yet. I'm not going to live the rest of my life perfectly with no regrets, and I still don't know everything about myself. I've just scratched the surface. If I stop now, not only will I be stunting my growth here, but I will eventually begin to lose the things I've learned thus far. As I go about the rest of my life, I will start repeating mistakes I've made in the past unless I keep working.

The 12 Step program for Addiction Recovery isn't just 12 steps really. It's not even just for addicts either. It's really a lifetime program for anyone in need of the atonement. Who does that include?

The addict. The addict in recovery. The addict not yet in recovery. The recovered addict. The addict's loved one. The addict's enemy. The one that doesn't know about the addict. The one that doesn't know the addict at all. And everybody else.

The atonement is for everyone. Whether they know about recovery or not.

Because in all reality, the 12 steps encompass the repentance process. I grew up learning the steps of repentance in primary where there are only four steps: Feeling sorry, Saying sorry, Righting the wrong, Keeping commandments from then on.

Well, really, those four steps are broken down into 12 for the addiction recovery program. Are we ever done with the repentance process? No.

Feeling Sorry: Steps 1-4
Start out with complete honesty with yourself and God. Believe God can help you make it right. Trust in Him to help you through it. Repeat being completely and thoroughly truthful with yourself and God.

Saying Sorry: Steps 5
Apologizing to yourself, God, the bishop, or anyone else it effects about your wrong without excuses.

Righting the wrong: Steps 6-9
Lean on God to help you become a better person and stop repeating wrongs. Humble yourself and ask God to help remove your weaknesses. Contemplate how to help make things better after your mistakes and do what you can do make it better. Talk to people about it. Act on things you can act on.

Keeping the commandments from then on: Steps 10-12
Keep track of your progress every day, every hour, every moment so you can avoid making the same mistakes. Seek the Lord's guidance in everything you do. Of course, part of keeping the commandments is helping others come unto Christ.

And we are never done.  The most important thing to remember after step 12 is that we have to keep up with our own progress in order to be a help to anyone else. The only way I can be an instrument in the hands of my Heavenly Father is if I am leaning on Him and doing my best in my own life.

Every Day, Every Moment

 
As I try to take daily inventory with step 10, I am living in the now, which is the only thing in my control.  I cannot change the past, I can only do what I can now to take accountability for it.  Then, I can only hope for a future I want.  I cannot control what the future brings either, but what I am doing now can have an impact on it.

Repentance is for everyone all the time, no exceptions.  Those who are righteously following the Lord are not perfectly following every commandment all the time, because we are imperfect.  But followers of Christ are constantly repenting.  That is the only difference between a follower of Christ and others in the world.

Others in the world may do just as much good as a follower of Christ, because they are usually doing their best to do what they think is right.  But they are not using the atonement to account for the mistakes they make.  No one is exempt from making mistakes.  We all do it whether we mean to or not.  But the Savior paid for every single one.

He paid not only for those mistakes, but all the negative effects of those mistakes.  All the pain, all the sadness, all the darkness, every fear, every form of suffering has been paid for by the Savior.  All it takes is trust in His ability to take it all away and He does.  Wouldn't we want to have that peace all the time as a constant thing?

No...I'll just feel sad right now.  I'll just feel this pain now because I can repent later.

What is wrong with us?

If we truly understood the power of the Lord's Atonement, we would use it every day and in every moment of every day!  Because it's better!  Because it works!

Suddenly that phrase from the scriptures about how we shouldn't procrastinate our repentance has a new meaning to me.

Right now, as I am trying to work step 10 in my daily life, I am committing myself to make Christ the center of my life.  I do this by reading and pondering the scriptures every day.  Every morning I need to read while I eat my breakfast.  I have to sit down and eat sometime, what better time to study then at that time?  Then I must pray and write in my journal a daily plan.  These are my goals today.  And in the evening I can look at those goals and account for whether I failed or succeeded, and try again tomorrow.

Step 8: Seeking Forgiveness

 
Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them.

Step 8 Reading

This step reminds me of step 4 in a way.  It's like taking down another inventory but this time instead of focusing only on internal things, it's a focus on external things.  How have I affected other people/events?  How have other people/events affected me?  Step 8 is about prayerfully choosing people to apologize to in step 9.  I have done step 8 twice, mind you, and I have a habit of apologizing to people whenever it weighs heavily on my consciousness, but I think when it comes to my addictive tendencies there are always things subconsciously swept under the rug that I need to face.

So, that's what I'm going to try to do this time with my step 8.  It can't be a rushed thing, which is one of my tendencies.  I need to be more prayerful and open to what the Lord shows me needs to be done.  Writing about it has helped me immensely.

It's interesting to write about how we once felt about something and then about how we feel about it now.  It helps a lot to really dissect the effect of something.  How did I feel then?  How do I feel now?  What has changed and why?  What still needs to change?

Acknowledge and face resentments. Honestly attempt to let go of offenses and resolve feelings.  This can only be done by really figuring out the cause and the reasons for the feelings, which honestly have more to do with internal reactions because of history then about what actually happened to trigger the feelings.

This time with step 8 I was writing a persons name, then writing a short paragraph to them in my journal that I would decide to share or not share later in step 9.  I wrote first what I forgive the person for, and then I would write an apology for how I wronged the person.  It really helped me clearly put into words how I felt and be honest without any excuses when apologizing.

It mentions to add your own name to the list of people, so I did that too.  I ended up writing a letter to myself as though I were writing to another person.  It was actually quite therapeutic.

Danielle,
I forgive you for hurting me in your ignorant childlike curiosity and not dropping bad habits.  I forgive you for being in denial, lying to me, and letting things happen to me that shouldn't have.  I forgive you for disrespecting me and for lowering my standards.  I'm sorry for being blind and self-righteous without valuing you.  I'm sorry for putting you down and making you feel like it was more righteous for me to think you were ugly or worthless.  I'm sorry I didn't care for you more and take care of you like the daughter of God you are.  I love you now an I feel freed to say I always have and I'm sorry I didn't say it more often when you needed to hear it.  You are beautiful and you better believe it.
Love, Me

Another thing it says to do is deliberately pray for someone in whom I have hard feelings for a couple of weeks.  This really helps us to sort out the hard feelings because the Lord always blesses us with love when we ask for it.

Step 6 Continued, ReCommitting

 
My past attitude about self gratification was that it wasn't any big deal.  I was mistakenly trying to make my marriage better.  But before then, even, when I struggled during my single life, it was because I couldn't give up the pleasurable feelings and I didn't see how it was impeding me.  I never knew better, though, because I never went without it.  It was a constant since my tiny childhood years.  My feelings were unrepentant because I denied how detrimental my behavior was.

I feel that now I have given it up completely, but I still have rationalized my media addiction.  It's a little harder to differentiate and pinpoint when there is a problem, because the problem is only present when I'm getting a high from the use of media.  If I'm escaping reality or numbing myself through that immersion into another world.  The biggest clue is if I lose the spirit's companionship.

I need to realize my dependence upon the Lord for everything and show my acceptance of this dependence by dedicating my time to prayer and strengthening my connection to Him every single day.  By doing that, I can be led by His will in my everyday choices, so I can remain free from the binds of addiction.

I have now made a list of my weaknesses with the strengths they can become written next to them.  It's interesting to look at this list and feel hopeful that one day I might be completely humble but confident, without the "better than" or "worse than" attitude that I have had.  Someday I can become completely in ownership of myself and who I am.  My likes and dislikes will become evident realities of my identity and I will no longer chameleon other people's.  It will be a time when I can no longer feel sexually inadequate, but have a healthy relationship with my husband and the Lord.  A time when I am ever present in my own life and no longer lost in another world of fantasies or dreams.  I will be the kind of person who allows others to make mistakes without trying to be their savior or rescuer.  I will serve others while also providing healthy boundaries by the guidance of the spirit in my life.

I have never lost the desire to participate in church activities.  It is what saved me in my youth and when I lost my way in college.  I always attended church anyway.  I believe my life could have gotten much harder if I hadn't.  But at the same time, I felt somehow that I did not belong.  I saw the world in a different way from how these people at church saw the world.  I felt alone.  But as I try to allow the Savior to strengthen me now and dwell within me always, I can see how everyone at church is really much like myself.  We are all striving to allow the Savior's power to heal our hearts and guide our lives.  Knowing this helps me to feel more unified with the members of my ward at church.


My recovery began in a sneaky way, with me pointing fingers at my husband and then having my hand turned to point at myself.  Over and over again.
I would say "it" (all my unhappy circumstances wrapped up with a big frowny-face bowtie) was because of one of his obnoxious qualities, and then because of his addictions, and then I would get a nice surprise.  Something about myself would get revealed to me and I would realize I was guilty.

How self righteous, how proud, how blinded I was.  I'm thankful those baby steps provided by the Addiction Recovery Program have slowly given me the chance to open my eyes and own my faults, little by little.  How far I've come.  How far I have yet to go.

It's so sad how evil tries to justify itself.  It's constantly making excuses.  Every abuser, every sinner, makes some kind of excuse to alleviate their conscience so they don't have to feel the pain of guilt.  But then it only puts them in Satan's hands when they - I - when I refuse to feel Godly Sorrow for my wrongs.  The steps help me get there.

I have learned that being perfect is impossible.  But that's ok!  I've learned that my Savior is there for this very reason.  In taking upon His name, I am made clean and whole. "Perfect" in the scriptures is defined also as "complete".  I know I can only be made complete in the Savior, if I am daily placing myself in His hands.

Recovery is ongoing.
It is never finished.
Always needed.
Always repeated.
I need to be patient with myself because the Lord is patient with me, as His child.
I need Him every single hour.  I know that my Redeemer lives.

YLDS Radio helps.  I need to play it every day.  Music brings the spirit into my heart better then anything else.  Today I've been sitting and listening to it as I have read and it has brought the sweetest spirit into my heart that I never want to let go.  It's made me recommit myself to keeping it with me, and doing what it takes to keep this feeling with me always.  I must commit to maintaining a healthy balance in my home with every form of media or technology, so that balance can keep the spirit in my home.  I want my kids to feel that difference.