Recovering from a Slip

 

My first slip.

In over a year.

I cried.

The slip was an odd one, I must add. I think the trigger was different then anything I've had before because I haven't had an addiction to pornography at all, just to self grad and I was doing so well staying away from that kind of thing until I was triggered by seeing pornography and giving into curiosity.

The thing is, I didn't even like the images I saw. They grossed me out and I felt awful because I knew I was looking at abuse victims. But when I tried to exit out, the sites wouldn't let me. I had heard how they catch you like that.  But, being on my phone, I knew if I didn't back out completely, the site would come up again the next time I opened the internet. It always opens the last page viewed automatically.  So it took a while but I finally managed to get out of the predicament I was in but by then my physical body was reacting in spite of the disgust I felt mental, emotionally, and spiritually.

Now I don't go online on my phone anymore. I took off my Facebook app because it has links to articles or other things I find interesting and those seem to have "related" links that just go downhill from there.

My computer has a good filtering system so it feels safer to use.

I felt like I had gone back to ground zero, but I think that's one of Satan's tools when we slip.  A slip is not a relapse unless we have completely given up on the effort in recovery. A slip is just a slip because of weakness. So I'm getting right back up on my recovery wagon and firmly staying seated.

I am not relapsing!

But what I must do is re-evaluate where I'm at right now.

A conference talk recently talked about prioritizing our spirituality and one specific sentence struck me.
"You may need to reorganize your priorities to provide time for the study of the word of God. If so, do it!"
Elder Richard G. Scott's talk from Saturday Afternoon.

I keep telling myself "I need to..." or "I really should..." but actually DOING it has become really difficult lately. I need to make prayer and scripture study a bigger priority every day so I can keep myself in check. I need to spend less time wasting time and more time doing things that are more important.

Laziness and idleness are my greatest pitfalls.

Never Finished

 

Now that I've completed posting steps 1 through 12, you might think I'm finished blogging. I've reached the end of the manual. I'm done working the steps. I'm done blogging about it.

Nope.

You see, I'm not dead yet. I'm not going to live the rest of my life perfectly with no regrets, and I still don't know everything about myself. I've just scratched the surface. If I stop now, not only will I be stunting my growth here, but I will eventually begin to lose the things I've learned thus far. As I go about the rest of my life, I will start repeating mistakes I've made in the past unless I keep working.

The 12 Step program for Addiction Recovery isn't just 12 steps really. It's not even just for addicts either. It's really a lifetime program for anyone in need of the atonement. Who does that include?

The addict. The addict in recovery. The addict not yet in recovery. The recovered addict. The addict's loved one. The addict's enemy. The one that doesn't know about the addict. The one that doesn't know the addict at all. And everybody else.

The atonement is for everyone. Whether they know about recovery or not.

Because in all reality, the 12 steps encompass the repentance process. I grew up learning the steps of repentance in primary where there are only four steps: Feeling sorry, Saying sorry, Righting the wrong, Keeping commandments from then on.

Well, really, those four steps are broken down into 12 for the addiction recovery program. Are we ever done with the repentance process? No.

Feeling Sorry: Steps 1-4
Start out with complete honesty with yourself and God. Believe God can help you make it right. Trust in Him to help you through it. Repeat being completely and thoroughly truthful with yourself and God.

Saying Sorry: Steps 5
Apologizing to yourself, God, the bishop, or anyone else it effects about your wrong without excuses.

Righting the wrong: Steps 6-9
Lean on God to help you become a better person and stop repeating wrongs. Humble yourself and ask God to help remove your weaknesses. Contemplate how to help make things better after your mistakes and do what you can do make it better. Talk to people about it. Act on things you can act on.

Keeping the commandments from then on: Steps 10-12
Keep track of your progress every day, every hour, every moment so you can avoid making the same mistakes. Seek the Lord's guidance in everything you do. Of course, part of keeping the commandments is helping others come unto Christ.

And we are never done.  The most important thing to remember after step 12 is that we have to keep up with our own progress in order to be a help to anyone else. The only way I can be an instrument in the hands of my Heavenly Father is if I am leaning on Him and doing my best in my own life.

Every Day, Every Moment

 
As I try to take daily inventory with step 10, I am living in the now, which is the only thing in my control.  I cannot change the past, I can only do what I can now to take accountability for it.  Then, I can only hope for a future I want.  I cannot control what the future brings either, but what I am doing now can have an impact on it.

Repentance is for everyone all the time, no exceptions.  Those who are righteously following the Lord are not perfectly following every commandment all the time, because we are imperfect.  But followers of Christ are constantly repenting.  That is the only difference between a follower of Christ and others in the world.

Others in the world may do just as much good as a follower of Christ, because they are usually doing their best to do what they think is right.  But they are not using the atonement to account for the mistakes they make.  No one is exempt from making mistakes.  We all do it whether we mean to or not.  But the Savior paid for every single one.

He paid not only for those mistakes, but all the negative effects of those mistakes.  All the pain, all the sadness, all the darkness, every fear, every form of suffering has been paid for by the Savior.  All it takes is trust in His ability to take it all away and He does.  Wouldn't we want to have that peace all the time as a constant thing?

No...I'll just feel sad right now.  I'll just feel this pain now because I can repent later.

What is wrong with us?

If we truly understood the power of the Lord's Atonement, we would use it every day and in every moment of every day!  Because it's better!  Because it works!

Suddenly that phrase from the scriptures about how we shouldn't procrastinate our repentance has a new meaning to me.

Right now, as I am trying to work step 10 in my daily life, I am committing myself to make Christ the center of my life.  I do this by reading and pondering the scriptures every day.  Every morning I need to read while I eat my breakfast.  I have to sit down and eat sometime, what better time to study then at that time?  Then I must pray and write in my journal a daily plan.  These are my goals today.  And in the evening I can look at those goals and account for whether I failed or succeeded, and try again tomorrow.

Step 8: Seeking Forgiveness

 
Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them.

Step 8 Reading

This step reminds me of step 4 in a way.  It's like taking down another inventory but this time instead of focusing only on internal things, it's a focus on external things.  How have I affected other people/events?  How have other people/events affected me?  Step 8 is about prayerfully choosing people to apologize to in step 9.  I have done step 8 twice, mind you, and I have a habit of apologizing to people whenever it weighs heavily on my consciousness, but I think when it comes to my addictive tendencies there are always things subconsciously swept under the rug that I need to face.

So, that's what I'm going to try to do this time with my step 8.  It can't be a rushed thing, which is one of my tendencies.  I need to be more prayerful and open to what the Lord shows me needs to be done.  Writing about it has helped me immensely.

It's interesting to write about how we once felt about something and then about how we feel about it now.  It helps a lot to really dissect the effect of something.  How did I feel then?  How do I feel now?  What has changed and why?  What still needs to change?

Acknowledge and face resentments. Honestly attempt to let go of offenses and resolve feelings.  This can only be done by really figuring out the cause and the reasons for the feelings, which honestly have more to do with internal reactions because of history then about what actually happened to trigger the feelings.

This time with step 8 I was writing a persons name, then writing a short paragraph to them in my journal that I would decide to share or not share later in step 9.  I wrote first what I forgive the person for, and then I would write an apology for how I wronged the person.  It really helped me clearly put into words how I felt and be honest without any excuses when apologizing.

It mentions to add your own name to the list of people, so I did that too.  I ended up writing a letter to myself as though I were writing to another person.  It was actually quite therapeutic.

Danielle,
I forgive you for hurting me in your ignorant childlike curiosity and not dropping bad habits.  I forgive you for being in denial, lying to me, and letting things happen to me that shouldn't have.  I forgive you for disrespecting me and for lowering my standards.  I'm sorry for being blind and self-righteous without valuing you.  I'm sorry for putting you down and making you feel like it was more righteous for me to think you were ugly or worthless.  I'm sorry I didn't care for you more and take care of you like the daughter of God you are.  I love you now an I feel freed to say I always have and I'm sorry I didn't say it more often when you needed to hear it.  You are beautiful and you better believe it.
Love, Me

Another thing it says to do is deliberately pray for someone in whom I have hard feelings for a couple of weeks.  This really helps us to sort out the hard feelings because the Lord always blesses us with love when we ask for it.

Step 7 Progress Continued

My feelings of humility have drastically changed since I began recovery.  Completely changed.  Humility before to me was just another way to be righteous and in a way I thought putting myself down would make me humble.  But it was pride, really, because it was all about how I looked to other people or got attention.  Really I was putting on a facade like so many people do when they don't know who they are.

Now I think of being humble as really seeing who I am and how much I depend on the Savior, and seeing others the same way.  I love who I am.  I love my creativity, my compassion, my beauty, my kind and caring demeanor, my loyalty and the way I highly value what is good and right.  But I also have dastardly messes that I have to rely on my Savior to help me overcome and clean up because I am not perfect.  I have a bad temper, with a scary violent side I despise.  I can be too prone to rescuing others which is actually not helpful at all.  I can get too lost inside my thoughts, and I sometimes can be closed minded in my intent to be open minded.  :)  If that makes any sense at all.

So I need the Savior.   That is real humility, acknowledgement of my need and reliance on my Savior.

In the working part of Step 7 it has a scripture that gives guidance on what to do.

If I...
*Believe in God and His mighty power and wisdom
*Repent and forsake sin
* Humble myself
*Ask His forgiveness
*Remember the greatness of God (His goodness/long-suffering) and my own nothingness
Then He will...
*Grant me greater knowledge of His glory (just and true)
*Give me constant reasons to rejoice
*Fill me with His love

What great blessings that I truly do desire to have as a constant.

Another scripture in Step 7 is quoted from 2 Nephi 25:25 and it asks what it means that the law is dead to us.  I really had to think about that one a lot.  If you know better then me, please comment because I really thought hard about this.

I was thinking it was referring to the law of Moses and how that has changed because of Jesus adding to that law, but then that doesn't make the law dead...So then I was thinking maybe when the law is broken it becomes dead.  Because all men are imperfect, we break the law and so it is dead to us.  But we (and the law) are made alive again through Christ.  Showing faith by turning to Him and repenting makes us alive again and in Him.  He never did break the law, so the law is alive in Him and if we let Him, the law can then be alive in us again through Him.  In order to keep it alive after that, we must not break it again.

Keeping the commandments from here out expresses my love to God because it is the only gift I can truly give to Him that is not His already.  My will is mine and so when I surrender that to Him, it is a true gift.  Keeping the commandments also means I won't hurt my Savior more then I already have.  This is also an expression of love.  I do feel like my capacity to feel God's love for me and for others has grown as I have worked the steps and started into recovery.  I feel like the greatest act of love is part of step 7 because is HIS greatest act of love to take away my shortcomings through His merciful atonement and sacrifice.

One blessing I've gotten from realizing my addiction(s)?  Now the way I react to my husband is so different, and so much better.  The other night he confessed to me that he hasn't been doing as well as I thought he had been doing with his own addiction.  Instead of feeling hurt and playing victim (inside) and struggling to keep my cool and be supportive, I just...was!  I was supportive in the way I would support anyone struggling.

Because I have been working on my own stuff I was able to simply call him on his justifications and encourage him to do what was right and take the steps needed to move forward.  It was so great that I was able to keep a clear head through it and that I didn't have any underlying emotions of hurt bubbling up from underneath.  I genuinely cared about his progress while keeping it about him.  His addictions have nothing to do with me.  It feels good to see that clearly the way I should.

The whole conversation began with me spilling over about how horrible I feel because of my own addictions.  I started stating that I felt like my addictions impacted my life more then his did to him.  My problem began at an age I can't even remember...something like two or three maybe?  He was twelve.  But making comparisons never help anyone, and he reminded me that he struggles too.  Although, I do feel like my identity has been tainted more then his.  I was looking at myself and wondering who I really am.  After I strip away all the negative behavioral patterns, weaknesses, and problems, what's left?  Who am I?  My husband didn't help much with that.  Maybe it would have been better for him to remind me of my good qualities at the time, but he was too caught up in how I had belittled his own struggles.  I don't blame him for that.

I do still argue with myself about managing my husband's recovery, however.  I am constantly asking myself if it's ok for me to go ahead and schedule his appointment with the bishop for him because he still hasn't done it.  But then I tell myself it is not my place to do it.  If I continue to do that every time he will never do it for himself.  And if he never makes his own appointments with the bishop, those appointments will always be someone elses idea and therefore not his own personal progress.  I really am feeling impatience for him though because I know.  Being in recovery myself makes me realize how much easier it can get if he will just submit to the Lord and really work those steps.  He is reading the steps, and writing about them because I told him he needs to.  But he doesn't enjoy reading and writing.  You'd think that would mean he would do the rest more.  But no, he just reads it, writes about it, and thinks he's done and moves on.  I don't know how much he's really applying the steps but I really hope he's applying them more then I can see. In just this week he's gone through steps one and two and is on step three now.  It seems fast, but then I guess I could look back at how fast I took those steps.  I think I might have done the same.  AND there are no comparisons!  Everyone works at their own pace anyway.

I guess I'm just having a hard time because I'm feeling kind of stagnant about many things in my life right now.  I don't know how long I will have to just sit like a floating leaf on still water, waiting for another ripple to come take me on my way, but for now I'm just going to have to wait.  I need to try my best to take advantage of the time to work on preparing myself for harder times, and getting the rest I need for whatever is to come in my life.  I just need to focus on TODAY better and so I can just submit to the Lord's will for me.

I really need to attend the temple again soon.

Step 7: Humility

 
Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings.

Step 7 Reading

Notice it doesn't say "all" your shortcomings.  I have a tendency to try to do everything all at once, but this is impossible.  These are the baby steps to the atonement.  They have to be taken like baby steps, again and again, and we are never finished.  Last night someone at recovery meeting related herself to an onion (kind of like Shrek) and the steps are helping her to peal back the layers of that onion so it takes time.  I also added to myself that sometimes we try to put the layers back on our onions because we feel vulnerable and expose removing all the layers, but then the Lord asks us to again remove those layers to get to our core again.  And there are lots of layers!  Going once through the steps won't remove them all, and that's ok.  So don't try to do the steps perfectly.  Just do them.

Last night we talked a lot about perfectionism too, because we were reading about step 4, and it talks about trying to be too perfect when writing our inventories.  Lately, I've really been compelled to be more patient with myself.  I'm just waiting, trusting, hoping, anticipating...because I know God is helping me.

Now that I'm getting in a better state by stopping my bad behavior, I also need to humble myself even more to change my very NATURE.  This is what step 7 is about: changing my nature through turning to the Lord.  I find it interesting in the reading, there's a verse quoted from Mosiah, "They did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."  I hadn't ever previously considered submission to the Lord being a "cheerful" thing.  But as I rely on the Lord to become complete in Him, I have to give Him all of myself.

Last night as I drove to the Addiction Recovery Meeting, I realized that there are still pieces of me that withhold myself from questioning whether my addiction is really a problem.  I asked myself if I really needed to attend meetings.  By the time got to the meeting, I decided it is really what I need to do so I can get the support I need.  Because even if my addiction to self-gratification/masturbation is under control, I have behavioral patterns that stem from this addiction.  These behavioral patterns are still impacting my life at all sides.

That's where step 7 comes in.  I don't need help in only stopping my destructive behaviors, but in changing my NATURE.  I need to change my desires, my instinctual reactions, my coping mechanisms, my very core reality.

But I don't like this word "changing".

When we turn to the Savior to "change" I don't think we are "changing" who we really are, but returning to who we really are, and maybe even improving what we used to be.  Turning to the Savior is recalling ourselves from before birth, and then growing from there to get that much closer to our potential.

"We finally abandoned the idea that we could become perfect by ourselves, and we accepted the truth that God desires us to conquer our weaknesses in this life by coming to Christ and being perfected in Him."

Step 7 has a lot of prayer involved in it, and I can't necessarily blog all about it.  But as we continue to work toward this recollection of ourselves, we need to remember that perfection is only in Christ, and we will not be made perfect until after this life.  So we must be patient with ourselves.

Progress Stand-Still

 
I went to move on to Step 6, but something didn't quite feel settled yet.  I think I need to open up and read my inventory to someone in it's entirety still, for my Step 5.  That's why I haven't posted again in a while.  I guess I'm feeling sorta stuck.  Because I don't know who to read my inventory to.  It's not a decision to be made lightly.

I do want to say that I feel so much better after completing what I have completed.  I feel like I've redefined myself.  I always used to define myself by my problems or weaknesses and after taking these steps, I have to consciously let go of that definition of myself.  It is no longer my problem because I have given it to the Lord.  So am I an addict anymore?  No, I don't think I am.

Of course, it wouldn't be right to assume I can ignore the past completely.  I do need to be careful to avoid temptations and continue to do what is right when I'm faced with temptations.  Because the temptations still come!  But I no longer need to define myself as someone who struggles all the time.  I need to redefine who I am in order to get rid of it completely.

I am no longer that person.

I think that's what Step 6 is actually about, so maybe that's where I'm headed after all.  My next post should be on that step.

How are my readers doing?  Anyone working the steps?  Feel free to comment.  You can comment under a profile or just anonymously.  I'd love to hear from you.

More on the Nature of Addiction

What's the most frustrating thing about the nature of my addiction to masturbation (or self gratification) is that I once decided that perhaps when I feel the temptation I could just go to my husband and after practicing a healthy expression of feelings the temptation would go away.  But no.  This is not what happens, sadly.  Because my body is practiced to react only to a certain kind of stimulus, not through healthy intercourse, the only way to satisfy the feelings is to fulfill it in the way my body recognizes.  Because it just doesn't work the same way.  The only way to deal with this is to abstain from the behavior my body craves and so I can develop a more healthy habit and my body can gain more practice in the right way of doing things.

I get so frustrated when I have just been with my husband sometime during the day and even in the same day I find my body giving me carnal signals of desire and temptation strikes.  And there is nothing I can do about it but pray and hope for the Lord to remove the temptation from me.

 I must believe that He will.

One way I have decided to practice is by really fasting.  I have talked about it before in another post.  But fasting is one way to exercise my ability to put the Lord before the natural man.  It strengthens my resolve to put aside my carnal desires and put the Lord first.  This past Sunday was fast Sunday and man was I struggling with it!  Not only was I incredibly hungry while giving my children their breakfast, when I escaped to my bedroom there was a box of See's candies calling to me...and then while I was journaling about it I was hit by another kind of temptation.  Then my husband ate a cinnamon roll of all things (his excuse was because he had to take some medication for back pain...) and I was so hungry and upset!  YET the hidden blessing was that at that point my hunger temptation overcame the other temptation and so I was able to get by.

Still haven't slipped since before I began step 1!  Harrah!

I was thinking more about the nature of my addiction and I realized that the character weaknesses I got because of this addiction bled into other aspects in my life a lot more then I previously realized.  I realized that there are patterns of behavior that reach back to my childhood where I would hide a negative thing about myself, either a deed or a motive, and play the innocent victim so other people would think I was just innocent and take pity on me or feel bad for me.  I did it to my peers and my family members all the time.  I remember thinking to myself that I could get away with anything because no one would suspect angelic me!  I was so prideful and self righteous but deep down I knew I was being wicked and covering it up to other people.

If I would feel bad for not doing something because of laziness, or if I didn't want to take responsibility for something I had done, I would outsource the blame and play the victim.  As a child I got away with this all the time and it reached all the way up into my college life, when I went before the bishop in order to tell him about how my new boyfriend had sinned by "taking advantage of me" and that his bishop needed to know about it.  My bishop had sat before me and looked at me in awe and amazement.  He'd told me that I was headed in a very dangerous direction and I needed to open my eyes.  I didn't understand what he was talking about.  Something in my head refused to get it.  But I was indeed refusing to acknowledge my own responsibility for what had happened.  I was prideful and unrepentant for my own sins, and because of that I WAS headed into a very dangerous place and I got myself into trouble!

Instead, I should have acknowledged my own fault in the situation and felt guilty at least a little bit.  If I had, I could have safeguarded my future a lot better then I did.  I was really in an unsafe mindset.

I realized then that I had entered into the life of college thinking that without my parents to set ground-rules I was just on my own to do my own thing my own way and I didn't need ground-rules because I knew better.  I wouldn't do what I didn't believe was right.  That's what I told myself.  But without setting my own ground-rules I was allowing myself to walk on dangerous ground.  I needed to set clear boundaries for myself!  But I think the way I saw things may even stem from my addiction.  I had been practicing the habit of hiding my own guilt from myself all my life!  I guess it bled into other aspects of my life outside of this one habit.  It prepped me to be more curious and open to perspicuity and sin as a young adult.  Addiction sucks!

Because of my addiction, I have developed character flaws of self-deception and self-righteousness all wrapped up together in a ball of pride and tied with a ribbon of vanity.  I cared more about what other people thought of me then what God thought, and that was bad.

I really hope that taking step 5 this time will help me beat away these tendencies for good.  I know it's just a baby step, however, and I will probably be fighting off these things for the rest of my life.

Step 4: Truth

Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.

Step 4 Reading

Now that I have made the decision to truly trust in God to help me, I am given the opportunity to show my willingness to trust Him by searching my life without letting my fear stop me with rigorous honesty, and no justification.

Someone recently told me that with taking step 4, it's not just about identifying sins. It's about defining myself. I don't just reflect on what I have done wrong in my life, but what I have done right, and what motivates my decisions. In doing this, I identify my gifts and talents as well as my weaknesses and shortcomings.  In identifying these characteristics about myself, and being mindful of my weaknesses, I am better able to strive to align my will with God's, because it's the first step in correcting my mistakes and growing my weaknesses into strengths.

The first time I completed step 4, I tried to do it by listing events from my memory chronologically from the earliest thing to now. It was a huge undertaking. I found some things to be taken care of and learned from it, but I knew I was not done completely because I knew I could not do it all at once.  It would be impossible.  That didn't mean I stopped at this step forever. I did my best and moved on, having faith that the Lord would point out more as I became ready for it. This has happened.

I did the step for the second time by writing names of people and examining my relationships with them. I felt I needed to apologize for things or mend something, or just come to terms with past events.

This time, I wrote in my journal, just pondering particular weaknesses and how it has affected certain people who came to mind once more.  As I wrote, I began to discover that many the actions in my life that came to mind were motivated by a weakness that was because of a strength, or vise versa.  I decided to list my strengths and weaknesses that I have discovered so far.  I realized that some of my strengths sort of compliment my weaknesses, and vise versa, and some of my weaknesses escalate each other. I noticed some things that create cycles in my own behavior. It turned into a learning experience about really how I define myself and what I want to change.

This step is hard!  But I can assure that it can change your life if you take it faithfully and fearlessly as it says.

It is also important to write! Write it all out, even if you are afraid of someone reading it. Writing helps you slow down your thoughts and really proves them to give you a greater understanding.  I also believe that more help comes to me spiritually if I am writing or praying out loud.  Once it was described to me that the reason I felt this way is because the angels would assist me. The Holy Ghost is always there to help. But angels are too. However, they cannot dwell within us like the Holy Ghost does. So they cannot know the thoughts of our hearts. But they can hear us pray out loud, and they can read what is written.  I feel the angels help me a lot more when I do these things.

I also know that writing things down seems to make me take things more seriously because it's out. It's a substantial reality if it's written down in front of me. I no longer can hide things even from myself. The justification stops when I write it down. I can no longer deny what I write in black and white.

Harmful things that are written down can also be destroyed once the step has been completed. Some people wait until after step 5. Then they purge themselves with the destruction of their written inventory. It can be a symbol of the power of repentance to cleanse you. Those things are no more, and the Lord remembers them not.

Be brave! Step 4! Let's do it!