It seems like every single day has gone wrong because of something or other this week. All I can say is I'm glad I talked to the bishop because at least now I can feel the spirit whereas before taking that step I probably would have had a much harder time trying to do this on my own.
I want God to direct my path so badly but I have to stay out of my own way and let Him! I am inadequate and I need Him. I think my problem, though, is that I want relief immediately and I need to be more willing to have my burdens lightened according to His timetable, like the example of the people of Alma who instead of having their burdens removed, were given the strength to lift their own burdens well enough.
Submitting to God is drawing nearer to Him through prayer and letting go of everything with the faith that He knows what He's doing. I need to be more ready to obey any promptings which come to me as well. Through immediate obedience I am submitting my will to the Lord.
I did really well once before with this one. When I would think about getting on my computer I would feel a heaviness pulling me toward that choice, as though it were dragging me into it. I knew that feeling wasn't from the Lord so I would then pray for a what I should do instead. The Lord always then would place an alternative for me to go to, like doing the laundry or other chore in the house instead. Of course, this wasn't always something I loved to do or even wanted to do, but it always felt lighter to do it. So when I immediately obeyed this and kept following that lighter feeling and turning away from the heaviness, I was growing closer and closer to the Lord. I felt so much lighter and happier, and I was choosing the better part. I was being more productive, I was feeling more worthwhile, I was being a better wife and a better mother, because I wasn't wasting my time away anymore.
When I submit my will to the Lord's will, He helps me keep my priorities where they should be, and my perspective on the eternities. My problem right now is trying to feel that way already without doing those things. I can't feel the success without the hard work.
I was thinking about the concept of fasting today. Being pregnant, I can't really fast like a regular person. But I had heard about people in my situation still sort of fasting by eating only the bare minimum and refraining from indulgence. Fasting helps with the submission of will because it is putting spiritual devotion ahead of physical desire. Great practice for refraining from bad habits.
Prayer in the moment of temptation is critical but SO HARD because the adversary KNOWS it works. So he tries his best to get us not to pray in that critical moment.
Another thing I need to be thinking about is temple attendance. It's been a while and I really need to go more often.
But that first choice I made to make that appointment with the bishop and be completely honest was my first step in the right direction. I am now bolstered up in my commitment to abstain from bad habits and be more careful. But I must keep that as a daily reminder every single day! I missed my studying yesterday enough that I felt pressure and temptations, and relapsed into my media addiction to get away. It wasn't a horrible relapse, I was watching little anime cartoons with my little boys. But I wasn't helping around the house. I was using it as an escape.
I hate having multiple addictions that intersect and cross over onto each other.
Anime has porn, of course, and I had to squelch my curiosity. I've never looked into porn before that slip and I don't want to start now. I knew if I got caught up in it I would get stuck easily. If I fail at this, everything else in my life happiness hinges on it.
I must succeed.