Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Step 6: Change of Heart


Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses.

Step 6 Reading

Unlike what it says in the first couple paragraphs of this step, for me personally, it feels as though my temptations are just as strong as before, or even stronger at times.  But the difference here is that I feel stronger because I have withstood them.  I still haven't acted out on my self-gratification addiction since before I began step one this time around.  But when it comes to my other addictions I feel I can do better.  I think that's one of the things that has held me back from that happy place I found around this time last year.

Last year before Christmas I was on a spiritual high!  But two things happened.  I got an IUD in, and I got really sick.  The IUD's hormones blocked me from being able to feel God's love for me and I started a road into depression.  And being really sick, I skipped church one day and binged on television big time!  I began my addiction to Vampire Diaries.  I think I could have kept myself from being completely addicted if I had paced myself better, but I didn't.  I watched almost two seasons in one day, I think.  It was ridiculous.  I was feeding on it and it was not good for me.  The spirit left.

And then a year went by and I'm here still grasping for it to return.  The happiness I had last year was so awesome.  I was beating my desire to "get high" on fantasies.  I hardly ever turned the television ON let alone watched it.  When I did, it was for my kids to watch a show and I told myself I had better things to do then sit there.  I was in such a happy place.

The hardest part about losing that desire is that at first when I give it up, I miss it.  I miss that high terribly.  I know the Lord has helped me before because I have been able to watch movies without getting the high.  I don't lose myself in them.  I'm still sitting there with my family, and the movie is just a story.

This is much more healthy, but in a way I really miss that immersion into the story - the high - because it was my escape.  But what then?  The movie ends and I'm plunged back into life and it's low.  Not better.  Not at all.  So I must lose that desire to go there.

I think one of the reasons why I have obsessed over fixing other people's problems is because I hadn't figured out how to fix my own.  Releasing this has helped to free me from my codependency issues too.  Now that I am honestly acknowledging my issues and am actively working on them, my desire to fix other people is not so obsessive.  I still feel I could offer other people help, but I don't feel like it's something I hunger for like I did before.  I guess that hunger was really to help myself!

I want to be accountable now.  Completely accountable for myself.  I'm going to grow into a new me, from inside out.  I will be the kind of person that is compassionate but not overbearing.  I will first look to change myself before passing any information on, and when I do I will wait until moved by the spirit, NOT by my heavy addicted urges.

When I think of someone I could perhaps share this program with, instead of rushing to do in right now, I need to be thoughtful and prayerful about it and ask the Lord to help me to approach the subject in the right way.  I must believe the Lord will help reveal it to me when I should speak and when I shouldn't.  The key is shutting my mouth when I feel the heaviness in my chest that says, "Just stop."  Too often I have spoken right through it when that has happened.  I need to stop it.

Sheesh.  I feel like finally reading my inventory has opened the flood gates.  Here we go! :)

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