Filling Up My Journal, Missing a Meeting, and in a Rut

 

My journal is full.

And I need a new one really REALLY bad.

Journaling is so important to recovery progress.  I can attest that my thinking is broadened and deepened when I am writing things down as I ponder spiritually about things.  So with the steps, I always write down my thoughts as they come.  Re-read my thoughts, and write down more thoughts.  Thus, I fill up my journals.

Using the little places in the Recovery book works too but for me there isn't enough space.  I need lots more space!

My husband?  He writes one sentence in response to each question and can't think of anything else, moves on, and then gets frustrated because he isn't really making progress.  That's because you really have to deeply think about your personal application for each question.  Don't just give the Sunday School answer to the questions.  Apply them to your life, your past, your present, your everyday habits.

I also missed group this week.  *sobs*  I really need to learn how to be more assertive!

So I have Relief Society tonight, and so I wasn't going to go to my usual Support Group meeting.  Instead I was going to drive yesterday to attend the Addiction Support Group a little farther away.  But I had a visitor over yesterday and when the time came that I needed to go or choose to miss, I wasn't assertive enough to tell my visitor it was time to go home.  Instead I let her stay for pizza with my family.  This little visitor of mine is a young girl and her mom texted me asking if she could come home but I didn't read the text until an HOUR later!!!  She had texted me just before I had decided I would miss the meeting.  If I had read the text it would have given me an excuse to send her home right away and get a move on to my meeting!  But no.

But with or without that text I should have been assertive enough to say I had a place to be.  This morning I wake up regretting that decision and missing out on that meeting.  Maybe I'll call and find out from my sponsor how the meeting went last night.  I know it isn't the same.

Part of me wants to just go to tonights meeting and miss Relief Society, but I have already told others I am going to be there.

Again, though, this is my excuse: "Someone else needs/wants me somewhere else."

Why do I always give in to what I feel others expect from me?  I honestly believe people would not be offended if I were to stand up and do what I need for ME!  Because it's the healthy thing to do.  I can't only do what other people want me to do all the time.

I really must learn how to do what's best for me sometimes.

I've read about this before.

"When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don't love you - they are saying they don't love themselves." Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Then added to that by Melody's The Language of Letting Go, "Yes, at times we need to be firm, assertive: ...when we need to convince others and ourselves we have rights. ...Help me find the balance between assertive action taken in my own best interests, and love for others.  Help me understand that at times those two ideas are one.  Help me find the right path for me."

I read that only a few days ago and now here I am.

I feel like my lesser addiction, to media, is also giving me a run for my money.  I've given in and sat around to watch some dumb tv show that is pointless instead of doing more important things.  And of course I don't feel any better.  If anything I feel worse because I just wasted that time being idol and lazy.  It puts me in a rut because then I don't feel the enthusiasm to do anything and the cycle just begins again.  More media.  More wasted time.  More guilt and self-loathing.  More discontent.  More media.

I have to break the cycle and choose to do something better instead of turning again to media.

I think maybe I just need to choose a big project to tackle and focus on to win back my productivity.

I DID send out a couple letters for my Step 9, to make reconciliation to a couple people.  That felt pretty good.  I'm hoping things will go well with that.  But, since I've done that I really need to get on my Step 10 now.  Which will probably boost my Daily Accountability.  Which is what I need right now, when it comes to this rut I've gotten myself into.  Daily Accountability will help me to go moment by moment again and choose the best things and not just the good or ok things for me to be doing.  Priorities.

But I need a new journal!