Daily Scriptures Giving Me Daily Lessons

 
Obviously I didn't post a whole lot about it, but I have been doing better with my daily spiritual check-ins. I decided in the rush of my world right now, checking in with my Lord is the best way for me to fit that spirituality into my every day. So whenever I think of it and make the time (usually sometime in the morning after my older kids are at school) I read the Book of Mormon and continue my study. Once a week I've started into the "ponderize" challenge and hang a new scripture on the wall, which is selected at random, actually. I turn to a random page in my triple combination and read the page and choose a scripture. If I happen to randomly turn to the Topical Guide or some kind of reference page, I randomly place a finger somewhere and look up that reference. Doing this, I have been surprised at how much I see God's hand in the selections. I have been guided to the same page more than once and realized that another scripture on that page was what I should have selected in the first place. And I have been guided to a scripture along the same lessons of what I had been gaining from my scripture study. I love how God's hand is in everything when I'm trying my best to follow Him.

I've been gaining more self-acceptance lately through different things I have been doing. I'm dressing better, feeling better, and it's awesome. I'm embracing my strengths and letting myself feel what I feel and that's awesome too. But I've been struggling especially with media addiction lately. I cannot stay off Facebook and it's really started to bug me. I challenge myself to stay away and still have found myself there again. I haven't had the app on my phone forever, but I still go the long route to look it up on my internet app. It's better than what it could be, but I know I am not being present for my kids. But over the last couple weeks, in which I have been getting my ponderize scriptures about not laboring for things without worth and avoiding idleness, I've gotten more busy and that's helped me.

In 2 Nephi it describes the Nephites as being taught to work with their hands and value the joys of hard work and productivity. It contrasts with describing the Lamanites and an idle and lazy people. Then it says that the Nephites lived after the manner of happiness. It struck me that the manner of happiness in life is finding joy in hard work. I felt like the message was for me and that I need to really get off my duff in serving my family and doing things for my husband and stuff and then I will find the most happiness and joy. It's true to my nature to find joy in being busy with good things. I get depressed with I'm stuck in the rut of laziness.

Scripture study seriously helps me and I feel a big difference when I'm working to include that in my daily routine. But sometimes I miss out on that. But I don't get down about it. I'm getting it in more often than not and that's a good thing. I'll just keep trying my best to do what I can.

The other thing I'm doing to avoid idleness is going back to school in January. PHEW! Big step, but I feel right about seeking those last few steps to my degree and see where life takes me after that. Talk about getting more productive! Should be interesting but I'm determined.

On another note, my husband had been doing well but lost his recovery journal and then when I went out of town he had the biggest slip in a long time. I feel nothing but love and sorrow for him now and I'm so glad I can separate my happiness from his challenges. I truly know he can pull up from this one because I know he can.

Breaking Summer Break

 

This may be an odd time for new beginnings, but summer ending is a new beginning for me.

I think I took summer break literally. My last post was in April! Well, it's been busy. Lots of summer trips and family reunions, but I decided I better post something today and try to get back into a better habit of thinking of the Lord more.

After having a baby, and as I am nursing, I have fallen off the wagon with my media addiction. Facebook has seemed to take over a lot of my time lately because when I sit down to nurse it's idle time that has become filled with waste. Well, now at the end of the summer with school starting it's time to break my summer break habits and renew my goals.

For a while I did well reading scriptures during my idle time. If you can believe it, I managed to read the Book of Mormon in the time it was translated, responding to this challenge I saw around General Conference in April. It was a different experience to just read it straight through without stopping. It felt like reading a story and I followed the characters and happenings a lot better than I ever have before. It was easier to pick up on the history of the book and identify the places where Mormon cuts in to paraphrase or make a statement before going on. In my mind's eye I was able to watch events as he described them, and then visualize him writing at the places where he broke in. It was a different way of viewing the book than I ever have.

But I haven't been reading much since I finished in June. I need to come up with another studying technique to get me involved in the book again in another new way.

Over the month of July, I was too incredibly busy either traveling or getting ready to travel or recovering from traveling. It was a busy month! But I am happy to report my progress in my own self gratification addiction is going well and I haven't slipped since my last report on slipping. Which means it's been almost another year. Yes, shy a month or so. But it's been about two years since I began my recovery for that addiction in particular and I'm doing so much better! I feel freed from it, which is a beautiful thing. My husband has been having many slips lately, though, and we haven't been able to figure it out. What's strange for him is that it always seems to just catch him off guard. He's removed features on his phone again to safeguard things. I'm just hoping he can get on top of things again.

My media addiction has evolved from something where I was completely absorbed, into simply a waste of time and a laziness trap. So I am not sure if it's the same kind of addiction as before. I'm not completely losing myself in movies or fantasies as I did before, getting a high as I've called it. To me, it was a high because I would have crashes after coming out of my fantasies and I would want to re-enter another fantasy as a way to escape life. That was very unhealthy and I'm glad I have come out of that. I've missed it a little, however. Movies don't hold me in the way they used to. I have to remind myself that this is a good thing.

Now I think it's more a case of laziness and waste of time. I remember hearing Elder Scott say something about that in one of his conference talks because it struck me so much hearing him say those words. His voice echoes in my mind about a waste of time.

Here's to new beginnings at the end of the summer!

The Days After a Slip

You know the scene: My husband was moody and I was wondered what was wrong.  It was a slip. I'm in a good place of honesty with my husband. I know not everyone has that, but I also know with recovery efforts on both sides it can happen.

The familiar scene with dishonesty is pain and hurt because of secrecy. Arfter discovery it's more pain and hurt because of the lack of trust and the objectification felt when a spouse takes the addicted's behavior personally (which is understandable! But not helpful.). When honesty is present, that familiar scene before recovery is often tearful, still filled with pain because of helplessness and mistrust. It drives a wedge between the spouses felt by both sides.

Recovery has been a growth process for us but I feel a big difference in the scenario.

This time when he told me he slipped I felt no personal pain. Instead I felt compassion for him because I knew he was feeling guilty and dirty and experiencing backlash and after pains, being haunted by fresh memories and fighting the craving to refresh those memories. I felt pain FOR him.

I was also a bit angry at Satan using the internet once again as his tool of destruction. My anger was aimed at the correct place. Instead of at my husband, a good man struggling, I was maddened by the source of all pain and sin, the devil and His temptations.

I held my husband a while, telling him I was sorry for what he was going through. Then I felt the Lord guide me with His love to use the right words.

I reminded him not to give up. He'd already fallen two days in a row before telling me, and that told me he was losing faith. I reminded him that he is better than that, and not to give up. I also reminded him that the next couple days would be harder, maybe even the next couple weeks. Temptations are worse when the memories are fresh. The brain goes through stronger withdrawals as the images in the memory begin to fade. When images are fresh, the brain begins to hunger for more but the longer you abstain, the weaker the cravings and the stronger your spiritual strength.

Then you watch out for triggers. He had slipped because of a trigger. I hope he can turn to me when he is triggered so I can be more helpful.

It felt so good to have a moment of complete and loving support for each other without the pain. This is being brought together instead of torn apart! Satan will not succeed in tearing us apart through his evil ways. I'm remaining by the side of this good man and we will make it together.

Jesus Knows

 
Sorry about the break. I was out of commission a while with a new baby.

Having a new baby made me realize how much hormones play into our lives as women and this effects recovery.  It also doesn't help that so much of the day is taken by sitting there doing nothing while the baby is eating. So I found myself turning to media a lot more and got caught up again in my media addiction, be it movies or Facebook.  I got really down and lazy. I don't how much of that was from my media addiction and how much was just from sleep deprivation or post-partum depression, though. Because all of those are factors right now.

I've had days when I feel like crying all day for no reason.
I've had days when I've escaped into the oblivion of other worlds through a tv screen (or my kindle).
I've had days when I feel productive because I get some laundry done, but then left the kitchen a mess.
I've made dinner one day (which is saying a lot because my husband is the usual cook).

But the thing that I've learned is that I'm not alone, and that I am cared about, and that the Lord knows.

One particular day I was feeling worse then usual. I went to the park with my neighbor and we had a good conversation about testimonies and how there are things we may not ever understand but that is ok.  Then after she left, I had a call from another friend in my ward randomly offering to bring me dinner. Then a phone call from the Relief Society presidency asking if they could come visit me in a couple days.

And that visit in a couple days came on another day when I was more tearful then usual.

But something one of them said resonated with me.  We were talking about how I feel so emotional all the time and how I've had some scary moments because of it. I'm just not myself.

One of them then told me that although she didn't know exactly how I felt she knew that Jesus did.

I knew Jesus suffered all the pains of the world, and suffered for my sins as well as all my heart-aches. But somehow it has always escaped me that Jesus also completely and perfectly understands the pains of being female and going through things like childbirth, miscarriage, and post-partum. He knows how I feel when my hormones are crazy and I'm frazzled. He knows how I feel when I'm up at 2 am with my eyes crossing involuntarily as I feed my baby.

Jesus knows.

That was huge for me. I've been feeling so alone. But I think many of the ladies in my neighborhood feel the same way. In almost every home on my street and the street next to it, there is a woman with small children trying her best to keep things going and feeling so alone.

In my house right at this moment as I am typing at my computer desk, a binkie and a stack of books are next to my keyboard, a large pile of unfolded clean children's clothing on the couch next to me (at least it's clean), scattered burp rags, children's books, and little-boy shoes on the floor, a swaddled baby in a swinging infant seat, and two little boys shouting "no" to each other....and Jesus knows what this is like.
And I imagine many other women in the same or similar position, He knows about them too. He doesn't just know about them, though. He knows how it is to be them.  He knows what it feels like to be where I am right now.

And I imagine He'd be telling me it's ok.

It's ok for me to cry for no reason right now. My body is tired. It's ok to leave the laundry for an extra hour so I can write on my blog. It's ok.  But the best thing for me to do, the thing that will help me most to feel better, is not another episode of Downton Abbey or American Idol or the Bachelor, or a random movie that looks good on Amazon Prime. It's Him.

All I need to do is take a time-out for Him in my day and I will have the extra push I need to get through the day and maybe not feel like crying so much.

Because unlike Lady Mary or Chris the Farmer, He knows. And He can take it away.

Step 4 Truth

I did it. I worked step 4! I know it took me long enough. This time I just wrote in my journal about what I learned from mistakes made more recently because I already worked step 4 for things further back. However acknowledging it also made me realize I haven't escaped some of the character weaknesses associated with my past yet. Maybe I never will but understanding the truth is that first step.

The reason I chose the quote above for this post is because I have noticed something about myself after really working step 4 and 5 in the past. Once the truth is acknowledged and denial is crushed, we are able to break free from the bondage of the lies. I used to live in the past because it haunted me. I'd be awake at night going over events over and over in my mind trying to figure out what I should have, could have, or would have done differently. I knew it was pointless but my mind wouldn't rest on these subjects and people. Until I wrote an inventory and did what I could to see my own weaknesses and faults, and apologize for these events. I finally let the past go, and you know what happened? I sleep better, no longer haunted by the "should haves" because they no longer weigh on me. I've let them go.

Working step 4 has given me the ability to move forward in my life and focus on now and a brighter future instead of constantly living in the past...re-reading that page.

Step 4 might seem hard when you are coming upon it, but it's because the truth is hard. The truth hurts. Lies are easy because they cover up the pain like a bandaid. But the lies also enslave you and bind you down.

The savior said in Luke 12:51 that people assume He came to the world to speak peace and comfort to everyone. But then he says Nay! He brings division. It's because he speaks true doctrine, and the truth can be hard. But it's the only way to escape the enslavement of the lies we tell ourselves.

The truth sets me free. The Lord shows us the truth about ourselves so we can be humbled, and then made stronger through Him. What's rather ironic is that the lies which weaken us also make us full of pride in our weakness. Letting go of that pride may be painful, but when we face the truth and humble ourselves, it allows us to become better, improve ourselves, and grow closer to the Lord.

At a recent stake relief society conference, I was told that judgement day is not going to be a measurement balancing all our good deeds against all the bad deeds in our lives. Instead, it will be the measurement of our character THAT DAY. Whatever we did in the past during our lives impacted the person we became at that moment. We well be judged by the person we became through the experiences we had, whether bad or good. So what is important is not dwelling on our deeds, but improving our character every day and making progress every day.

D&C 123:17 "Let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for His arm to be revealed."

Ask, and Receive

Of course.

I felt I was doing well last night but my heartburn kept me up in the night, my mind wandered into indulgence and I slipped. I failed to stop when I could have. I should have.

This morning I waited for the guilt to crush me. It didn't. I confessed to my husband. I don't know what I wanted from his reaction but I didn't get it. From his reaction I couldn't even be sure he heard me as he left for work.

I sat to read the scriptures this morning. Only yesterday I re-committed myself to this daily study during breakfast. Don't stop now. As I pondered and journaled, I realized I was waiting for shame to crush me, not guilt. Shame is what hurts. I was already feeling guilty because I was disappointed in myself. I'm better then this! Why did I allow this?

I turned to 2 Nephi 4. This is the chapter when Nephi says he delights in the scriptures but is harrowed up by his own sins. "O, wretched man that I am!" I especially identified with verses 27-31. Why do I give in to these sins which destroy my peace? But then I can follow his example in beginning again. "Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin...give place no more for the enemy of my soul." Then he asks for help.

In my studies yesterday, I read about Prayer in the Bible Dictionary and was reminded that God gives to those who ask while submitting to His will and uniting with Christ by praying in His name. Matt. 7:7-11 reminded me that I'm praying to my father. He is forever willing to bless me with gifts. (This felt appropriate at Christmas time.) If an earthly father, being wicked, is so willing to provide gifts to his children, how much more willing is our Heavenly Father to bless us when we ask?

Well this morning this concept was repeated to me again from 2 Nephi 4:35. "I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh."

I need to ask Him. I need to pray in that moment of temptation. He will help if only I ask. It's all in my desire to ask His help. I think sometimes in those moments it's hardest because I am wrestling with my desires. A part of me, that human corrupt part, doesn't want Him to help me because that part of me desires indulgence. I must continue to strengthen the other part of me- that spiritual part of me that desires righteousness- because it must be stronger to win the fight.

So more then ever after a slip I must return to scriptures and prayer.

A New Heart, Like Riding a Bicycle, and the Power of Living Water

People shared some metaphors at the last meeting that really resignated with me.

First someone talked about how when someone gets a heart transplant the body has to accept the heart and so specific instructions are given by the doctor that will help that happen.  But if those instructions are not followed specifically, the body will reject the new heart.

Such is the same with a new spiritual heart. When we are blessed with a new spiritual heart, the Lord also gives us directions so as to keep the heart healthy and avoid rejection through a relapse. Then we would have to begin all over again.

Then right after I wrapped my mind around this concept, another person shared this metaphor.

Recover is like riding a bicycle. It may be difficult to learn at first and we may fall a lot. We fail and fail again, and sometimes it really hurts! But once we get the hang of it, it clicks, and we will never forget how to ride that bike. But we must keep pedaling and moving forward or the bike will fall over. However, after we know how to ride the bike, our Father in Heaven has let go of the seat. He knows we can do it on our own and therefore He expects us to be able to get back on and keep going without His hands-on supervision. He will encourage us but he won't hold onto our seat anymore. We just need to keep up the effort of moving forward.

However, we must also remember if we ever need His help, He is waiting for us to just ask. 2 Nephi 4:35.

Lastly, when we hear the phrase "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade," have you ever answered it with "how?"

You can't make lemonade with just lemons. What else do you need? Sugar and water.
When you are given a challenge or a trial, and first you must squeeze out the good stuff and throw the rest away. Let it go. Look for the good, and sweeten it with your own perception of optimism. That's the sugar.
What's the water? The living water. Jesus Christ. He will take your trial, your effort, your little bit of optimism, and he will fill it up to the top to make it into a blessing. Because He knows, and He loves you.

That's how we make lemonade out of lemons. :)

Jesus taught in parables for a reason. It's speaks our language and resignates inside our hearts better then any other lesson tool. I love metaphors.

Separating Righteous Intimacy from Addiction

This post is along the same lines as my last one in the way that it pertains to both someone with an addiction, and a spouse of an addicted loved one.

Early one recent morning I awoke from a dream I was having with my heart pounding in anger. I looked over at my sleeping husband and vividly felt the angry feelings subside as I realized what had happened in the dream hadn't happened in real life. However, I do know that dreams have a way of working out subconscious emotions. I reviewed the dream in my head and came up with an interesting conclusion. My anger at my husband came because he had been acting exactly like me!

I'll give a bit of a warning before you read about my dream because it is a personal dream. However, I'm an open person and this blog is anonymous. I will attempt to write in the most tactical way so as not to trigger anybody.

In the beginning of the dream I was feeling devotion and affection for my husband and was trying to pull him closer to me. He was laying down, faced away from me and as I prodded him and tried to show him my interest, he did not respond. I even got a physical response from him, but he wasn't acknowledging it. I hope that makes sense without me having to go into any greater detail.

I started feeling sad then, and asked him what was the matter and why he wouldn't face me. He finally looked at me with a blank and withdrawn expression and said, "The only reason you want to be with me is because you've been looking at naked pictures online." I immediately objected. I told him I promised I hadn't at all that day and that I hadn't in a long time. I wracked my brain for when I had but he turned away and I knew he wouldn't believe me anyway. I was hurt, and then I was mad.

"How dare you!" I thought. "How could you use that against me when you know how much it hurts me. How could you even think my feelings for you have anything to do with that filth! How could you even suppose that I was that heartless!"

I cried. I ended up sitting on the floor on the other side of the bed crying. But then I got so angry at him, I threw myself back onto the bed to start striking him on the shoulder and scream at him that he was so mean!

That's when I woke up.

The feelings were so real because they are honest and true. My addiction has nothing to do with the way I feel about my husband.

And then the light came on at that thought. His feelings about me have nothing to do with his addiction either.

For so long I had felt hurt because his actions from his addiction were somehow connected to his feelings for me. I'm not saying they aren't to the spouse or loved one. To someone without a sexual addiction, physical intimacy is ONLY about love. Addiction is not about love at all. It's corrupt and is completely separate from love.

Now in my last post I addressed the myth that physical intimacy can help ease temptations from addiction. That is not true. Temptations will still exist, and could come on just as strong even after being intimate in a healthy relationship.  However I will add this. Having a truly loving relationship with someone still helps emotionally and spiritually.  Being intimate with my spouse helps me to appreciate the beauty in the act of a healthy spiritual, emotion, and physical experience with someone I have covenanted to love and care for. It's in complete contrast from addictive behaviors, which drag one down into shame and sorrow. Instead, a healthy experience with my loved one who I have covenanted to cherish for eternity uplifts my soul and brightens my spirit.

I'll add this experience doesn't always feel that way. I want to acknowledge those who still feel filthy during intimacy with their spouse. It's a very sad but true reality that sometimes even with a spouse we can feel like a tool or the outlet for addiction. This is when we are completely justified and right in saying, not tonight, dear.

The spirit is not here.

But as we pray together and work to have that spiritual presence with us, the experience can become healthy and beautiful again. I testify that it has worked for my relationship and has helped us both as we fight off our temptations and cleave to each other.

I hope sharing this will help somebody out there.

Myths about Intimacy and Temptation

 

Ok so Step 4 feels more daunting to me this time around for some reason.  I haven't picked it up.

I should.

I haven't yet.

That's why I haven't posted again in the last little while. But all excuses aside I'm just putting it off.

For now though, I have a few thoughts about being married with addictions present.

This post is going to get into some real detail that some people avoid. But I feel these things must be clarified. I needed them clarified. I know others do too. I'm going to try to keep my wording as appropriate and wholesome as possible and avoid triggering. I'd appreciate it if I make the mistake of writing anything triggering that someone will comment and make me aware so I can adjust it to avoid that the best I can.


I recently had a discussion with a friend of mine who went with me to addiction recovery meeting (the actual addiction recovery meeting, not the one for those supporting loved ones).

From her point of view, being physically intimate with her husband made temptations become more difficult for her because her body was more awake to those feelings. She expressed frustration in trying to balance having a healthy marital relationship but also battling the dirty feelings she sometimes got while being with her husband.  I am only sharing her experience because I don't see it as being too unique. I think there are many of us in the same boat. There have been other ladies in the meetings who expressed similar feelings.

Also those who have a husband struggling with addiction add feelings of responsibility to helping their husbands by being their physical outlet. Many women feel that if they ever say no, they may trigger the bad behaviors in their husbands. Their husbands might have a harder time withstanding temptations if they haven't been able to release that tension with their wives.

Let me just say one thing here.  My husband felt that way a year into recovery. He would always try to tell me it made it harder for him if I didn't feel up to things.  But as much as he was convinced this was true, it wasn't. He knows it now, three years into recovery.

I want to emphasize that point.

It doesn't help. It makes no difference. I knew it because we could be intimate and in the same day he could struggle with some temptation and even fail.

The reason? Because they are completely disconnected experiences.

I know this for myself now as well, with my own addiction.  I could be with my husband and still have temptations on my own because the experience is completely different.

Too many couples then turn to outside help for their marital intimacy to give their time together more "spice" to make it more exciting and so the temptations to go elsewhere will lessen. This is another lie. It doesn't work. It actually triggered my friends addiction now.

So Myth #1 is Physical Intimacy in marriage occurring more often and with more "spiciness" will help an addict withstand temptations.

Nope, sorry.

The next myth goes along to support this one and explain further. I've explained in another post somewhere about the way the body reacts to different stimulation. My body had practiced arousal the wrong way for so long, it was hard for my body to respond the right way to the healthy practice with my spouse. It was so much easier for my body to react when I wasn't with him. It was because of the practice. Things have gotten much better as I have withstood the wrong kind of practice and kept trying with the right kind.

So, what happens when we cross the wrong practice into the right one? If someone's body reacts best with pornography triggers or with self-gratification involved, and that is brought into the practice with their spouse to get things going, it might make things work a little better for a time.  But we are missing something important when we do that.  AND it's the most important thing.

The spirit.

When physically intimate with our spouses, we are engaging in a spiritual activity. SPIRITUAL. It's not just a physical thing.

The first time I heard that I was completely confused because I didn't know what it meant. I had never felt the spirit when I was physically intimate. I didn't know I could.  I didn't know I should!

But with the presence of the spirit, the experience is so much sweeter and more meaningful. It truly is where a husband and wife can become one, both body and spirit.

My friend felt dirty sometimes with her husband. I have had the same feelings. It's because the spirit is not there. Something is wrong. Do you need more excitement? More stimulation? No. You need the spirit.

If or when I feel this way I know I cannot keep participating.
Something has to change.

So I had a discussion with my husband about the need for the spirit when we were together. Because of the discussion, all I needed to say to him was that I couldn't feel the spirit and he'd understand in a much better way then before. It cut out the disagreements we used to have and we didn't fight about the subject anymore when I with-held myself from him. Instead, it drew us to prayer.

Sometimes praying helped us reset and begin again. Sometimes praying led to just cuddles and sleep (which isn't bad, after all). But it always left us feeling loving, and stopped the fighting.

Myth #2 is Self-Gratification or other outside "help" during physical intimacy can help make marital intimacy more fulfilling.

Instead, just make sure the spirit is present. You're welcome. :)

After my conversation with my friend about the struggles she felt, I hope things are going better with her and her husband. She was actually contemplating abstinence for a full year! I didn't judge her for it. Maybe for her personally it would help. However, I knew that would sound very daunting and impossible to her husband, and it very well could have been detrimental to their relationship as a whole. Instead I suggested taking a day at a time, prayerfully, and praying for her spouse.

It's helpful if both spouses are doing that. Praying unselfishly for what is best for the other person. This way, things can be sorted out in the best and loving way. However, I know that it's not always the case. It's hard to balance being unselfish and giving to ones spouse while also drawing boundaries and caring for oneself.

The best advice is to follow the spirit.

I feel rather advice-y on this post. I apologize for that. I usually refrain from too much advice because everyone's experience is different and there is no one right way for everyone. But that is the one thing I feel I can say that would be individual to everyone. Let the spirit guide you in your own decisions and they will be the right ones.

Thanks for your feedback!

Submitting to the Lord and Step 3

 

It seems like every single day has gone wrong because of something or other this week. All I can say is I'm glad I talked to the bishop because at least now I can feel the spirit whereas before taking that step I probably would have had a much harder time trying to do this on my own.

I want God to direct my path so badly but I have to stay out of my own way and let Him! I am inadequate and I need Him.  I think my problem, though, is that I want relief immediately and I need to be more willing to have my burdens lightened according to His timetable, like the example of the people of Alma who instead of having their burdens removed, were given the strength to lift their own burdens well enough.

Submitting to God is drawing nearer to Him through prayer and letting go of everything with the faith that He knows what He's doing. I need to be more ready to obey any promptings which come to me as well. Through immediate obedience I am submitting my will to the Lord.

I did really well once before with this one. When I would think about getting on my computer I would feel a heaviness pulling me toward that choice, as though it were dragging me into it. I knew that feeling wasn't from the Lord so I would then pray for a what I should do instead. The Lord always then would place an alternative for me to go to, like doing the laundry or other chore in the house instead. Of course, this wasn't always something I loved to do or even wanted to do, but it always felt lighter to do it. So when I immediately obeyed this and kept following that lighter feeling and turning away from the heaviness, I was growing closer and closer to the Lord. I felt so much lighter and happier, and I was choosing the better part. I was being more productive, I was feeling more worthwhile, I was being a better wife and a better mother, because I wasn't wasting my time away anymore.

When I submit my will to the Lord's will, He helps me keep my priorities where they should be, and my perspective on the eternities. My problem right now is trying to feel that way already without doing those things. I can't feel the success without the hard work.

I was thinking about the concept of fasting today. Being pregnant, I can't really fast like a regular person. But I had heard about people in my situation still sort of fasting by eating only the bare minimum and refraining from indulgence. Fasting helps with the submission of will because it is putting spiritual devotion ahead of physical desire. Great practice for refraining from bad habits.

Prayer in the moment of temptation is critical but SO HARD because the adversary KNOWS it works. So he tries his best to get us not to pray in that critical moment.

Another thing I need to be thinking about is temple attendance. It's been a while and I really need to go more often.

But that first choice I made to make that appointment with the bishop and be completely honest was my first step in the right direction. I am now bolstered up in my commitment to abstain from bad habits and be more careful. But I must keep that as a daily reminder every single day! I missed my studying yesterday enough that I felt pressure and temptations, and relapsed into my media addiction to get away. It wasn't a horrible relapse, I was watching little anime cartoons with my little boys. But I wasn't helping around the house. I was using it as an escape.

I hate having multiple addictions that intersect and cross over onto each other.

Anime has porn, of course, and I had to squelch my curiosity. I've never looked into porn before that slip and I don't want to start now.  I knew if I got caught up in it I would get stuck easily. If I fail at this, everything else in my life happiness hinges on it.

I must succeed.

Prayer and Step 2

 
I need to pray more, and I mean really.

Lately I realized that unless I'm praying with my family or my husband, my personal prayers have become small moments of introspective thought between all the other things I need to do. I've been so busy with my "have-to"s. When was the last time I actually formally prayed on my knees?

This should be a daily thing. When did it suddenly become easier to waste time on Facebook or some pointless app then to kneel in prayer?

If I take the time to really talk to my Heavenly Father, I know I would feel closer to Him.

I have never thought about it this way but my love language is QUALITY TIME. I must spend quality time with my family and my husband to feel loved and close to them. I must feel attended to, and I pay attention to others to show them my love.

Am I paying attention to God? Am I spending quality time with Him? I haven't been. And I don't feel close to Him. And that's my own fault.

I must do this daily and this will help me follow His will because I'll be able to feel Him with me, instead of feel like I'm grasping in the dark. I cannot do this alone. But God doesn't give me impossible things to do. His will is always possible.

This morning I tried. I prayed. It felt forced though and I hate it. Why do I feel that way now? Has it become that distant and hard? During the prayer I began wondering this and suddenly a very gentle and quiet thought entered my mind that I had been shoving away because it's easy to do that to gentle, quiet things.

I need to talk to my bishop and confess about my slip. Because I haven't. I've told my husband and said I was sorry. I apologized to God in this prayer. But I remember when I had talked to my bishop he had said if I ever have a slip I was to speak with him and update him on my progress. It's been a year with no problems so I haven't talked to him about it again.

So I told Him I would.

There are so many rationalizations not to go to the bishop. My husband even seemed to tell me I didn't have to. That makes me wonder how much he confesses to the bishop, himself. But for me, I know I must. This problem has lasted since I was a small child all because I didn't ask for help, and I never confessed to the bishop. The thought came to do that, but I was always too scared and it trapped me.  Now I must do it, in order to really take Step 1 of being Honest and move on to the Hope in Step 2.

Step 1

That's right. I need Step 1.
Although there's a new support group program for the meetings I attend as a support person to an addict, I realized I really need to keep working the steps for my own problems and not just the principles. The principles are great, and all, but I have my own problems that I need to focus on, not just the pain caused from someone else.

So I realized the reason for my slip was because I hadn't been working very well on my own spirituality on a daily basis like I had before.

Honesty.
Fact: I have gone back into denial about my problems.
Fact: I thought I could rely on myself again, but I can't.
Fact: I never will be strong enough on my own because I am weak. The Lord is my strength.
Fact: When I rely on the Lord's strength, things become much easier.
Fact: In God's strength I can do ALL THINGS.

I felt trapped during and after my slip. My behavior and choice surprised and saddened me. I disappointed myself. I justified that I wouldn't give in to self grad, but just curiosity - but what could I really expect from myself when I put myself in a situation where I am separating myself from the Lord's presence?

Lately I have been also feeling more helpless and vulnerable because my son has been having major issues, and so we took him to child psychiatrist who diagnosed autism spectrum, ocd, depression and anxiety. At first I just thought, well, he's going to grow out of these things. I've thought that all his life. But I'm slowly realizing this is real. And it's making me feel helpless and sad, and I don't know what to do. I don't know what medicines are safe, I don't know if medication is right or wrong. I've heard such negatives about medication, but I know there is a purpose for it.  I've been desperate for answers from God and yet I'm not feeling close to Him.

So. Here's another Fact: I must make my relationship with God a priority every single day so I can be a better wife and mother.
Fact: These steps don't only apply to my addictive behaviors, but to my efforts as a mother.

God has a plan for me and my son. I must trust Him that if something we are doing is wrong, I will know it. God is great. I will rely on His strength.

When it comes to sin and shame, secrets are one of Satan's greatest tools and I must be brave enough to remain completely honest at all times about everything. I must humble myself and in doing so I will have greater strength to cope with this life.

Recovering from a Slip

 

My first slip.

In over a year.

I cried.

The slip was an odd one, I must add. I think the trigger was different then anything I've had before because I haven't had an addiction to pornography at all, just to self grad and I was doing so well staying away from that kind of thing until I was triggered by seeing pornography and giving into curiosity.

The thing is, I didn't even like the images I saw. They grossed me out and I felt awful because I knew I was looking at abuse victims. But when I tried to exit out, the sites wouldn't let me. I had heard how they catch you like that.  But, being on my phone, I knew if I didn't back out completely, the site would come up again the next time I opened the internet. It always opens the last page viewed automatically.  So it took a while but I finally managed to get out of the predicament I was in but by then my physical body was reacting in spite of the disgust I felt mental, emotionally, and spiritually.

Now I don't go online on my phone anymore. I took off my Facebook app because it has links to articles or other things I find interesting and those seem to have "related" links that just go downhill from there.

My computer has a good filtering system so it feels safer to use.

I felt like I had gone back to ground zero, but I think that's one of Satan's tools when we slip.  A slip is not a relapse unless we have completely given up on the effort in recovery. A slip is just a slip because of weakness. So I'm getting right back up on my recovery wagon and firmly staying seated.

I am not relapsing!

But what I must do is re-evaluate where I'm at right now.

A conference talk recently talked about prioritizing our spirituality and one specific sentence struck me.
"You may need to reorganize your priorities to provide time for the study of the word of God. If so, do it!"
Elder Richard G. Scott's talk from Saturday Afternoon.

I keep telling myself "I need to..." or "I really should..." but actually DOING it has become really difficult lately. I need to make prayer and scripture study a bigger priority every day so I can keep myself in check. I need to spend less time wasting time and more time doing things that are more important.

Laziness and idleness are my greatest pitfalls.

Progress

 

About my posts here and here on lowering my expectations toward my husband,
I just wanted to say...

My husband gave me a ring and wrote me a poem on our anniversary this year!
I was shocked.

He also has been noticing and acknowledging little things lately that make me feel so loved and cared about.
For example, he asked me if I was doing ok when I laid down on the couch the other day.

Warm fuzzies. :)

To My Children When the Time Is Right

The following letter was prompted into my mind in the wee hours of the morning and I couldn't sleep until I wrote it down. I decided to share it here for others to gain from in whatever way you find helpful to your own family.

-------------------------



Dear Young Ones

First of all I want you to know that the way your body feels is not an evil thing. Your body's natural reaction is a beautiful and sacred gift of God. He's given us these powerful feelings as a gift to recognize the sacredness in our gift and ability to create life here on earth. Your body's sensations are beautiful and perfect, when it's the right time, place, and with the right thoughts and methods. The spirit helps you to know if it is right.

After your body has these feelings, the spirit can either fill you with light, joy, and goodness that is uplifting or you may feel darkness, sadness, and heaviness. This is the spirit's way of communicating to you if you are exercising this gift at the right time and place or not. The heaviness and darkness is a warning. It does not mean your body is bad for feeling these feelings. It means you must put off the natural man and wait for the appropriate time and place. Every gift from God is wonderful and special, but also Satan's target. he wants to corrupt, degrade, or ruin our gifts and blessings. When we use this special gift when it is not right, Satan wins control over our feelings.

The right time and place to feel these powerful feelings are only with a spouse who you have married and are committed to for life or eternity. When we use this gift at this correct time and place, with good thoughts and methods, we can experience great joy that is light and uplifting because our spirits can celebrate in this great gift God has given us to create life on earth.

Outside of this time and place, our body's natural feelings are still pleasurable, but the feelings of joy are not present. Instead it is lust, greed, and selfishness. These feelings are dark and Satan uses them to make us feel ashamed and lead us away from God's plan of happiness. Satan even has chains of addiction related with this path that can catch us in his sorrowful snare.

However, our Savior is infinitely more powerful. If we are ever led away by Satan's half-truths and caught in his dark plans of shame, we must remember our Savior's wonderful and perfect atonement. We never need to feel ashamed. We can give those mistakes to the Savior and He will cleanse us. This road is difficult, however. I truly desire for you to follow and head the warnings of the Spirit immediately to avoid Satan's traps.

You are a glorious child of God with infinite potential and you have a spirit inside you that feeds upon the light. Give your spirit light every day through scripture study and prayer and your spirit will be strong when temptations come. Follow the promptings from the Holy Ghost every time and it will become a habit that gets easier every time you face it. As you do this, you will be led down the path Heavenly Father has given for you in His plan of happiness.

I love you and want you to know you can always trust and rely on me to be there for you and listen to you. but I also want you to know that even more than me, your Father in Heaven loves you, understands you, and wants the best for you. Your Savior is also your friend that will always be there to listen and uplift you.

Love Mom

New Support in Recovery Program

 

A new manual for loved ones of those who struggle with addiction has been long awaited. When I first began coming to support meetings, we were using a manual that then got pulled because although it was in the process of being approved by the church it didn't make it through and we could no longer use it officially.  I remember many of us were sad by this when we began using the regular addiction recovery manual.

Now the church has approved a new program and manual for us to use in meetings. I was excited for this but now it's happened the change has been harder then I anticipated for me to embrace. I love the 12 steps. I know I stand in a different spot then many, having used the steps for my own addiction as well as for the support of my spouse. But I feel like my own struggles with addiction are completely behind me, and now I'm focusing on just having a normal life while my husband is recovering.

Still, I feel like the change is more dramatic then I had expected. The new program is no longer steps, but principles, and the meetings are changing format. It was interesting to sit in a meeting where cross-talk was not only allowed but encouraged. Those of us in the meeting were still so used to the silence we didn't know how to talk to each other as openly as the new meetings allow. This is a good thing, yes. It will help the women in the support group to more freely express feelings that are locked inside. If I had been allowed to when I first started attending the meetings, I probably would have dominated the discussion because I always felt like I was going to burst with everything I kept inside. But now I have learned to really appreciate the idea and concept behind the rules as they had been. It provided safety for those who could be triggered by too much open conversation about the problems. I was nervous about this change.

However, the principles that guide the discussion help keep the discussion in a positive place. I really see the inspiration behind the thoughts that are brought up within the reading to help guide the discussion within the meetings.

But I'm struggling personally. I have always had a hard time with change. I guess this struggle includes positive changes as well. I'm torn because I am so used to working the steps that using the principles to guide study is stretching me. The new program requires me to look at outside materials and I'm so used to having the scripture right there in the manual for me to ponder. I feel like this is a silly thing to complain about. I should be able to look up scriptures, and talks...and videos. It just is more time consuming. I need to figure out my time in a more organized way.

That's probably the biggest slump about the way my life is right now. Lack of routine. With having a job where I work at home, my schedule isn't much of a schedule at all. You'd think a job would make me have more of a schedule but this one is so sparatic it throws everything off. Being pregnant has also drained my energy and I just feel lazy. I hope I can get into the new program.

Find the new principles here.

It Still Hurts

 
This is my first post really about living with a spouse who is addicted to pornography. Up until this point I've been writing about my own recovery. But today I can't go to my recovery meeting because my son is sick, and I just need to share just to let it out. Venting into the void, I guess.

I wish I could say I have overcome all pain associated with my husband's slips. I wanted to be there in that safe place where my peace was uninterrupted. But when my husband has the kind of slip that he has had now, it effects me again in a way I didn't expect. What hurts isn't necessarily what he looked at or if he acted out physically while looking, but that his intent was there. He sought it out.

For a while now every time my husband has confessed to me about a slip it has been because he was looking at something else online and got caught off guard with something. Or he was checking to see if the safe eyes system we have installed really works by purposefully searching a fowl keyword. That always drove me nuts. What does he think is going to happen? Of course if you look for it something will sneak its way through the system.

But this time, he'd happened upon a stupid YouTube video off to the side and ignored it, but days later was still haunted and tempted to go seek it out again until finally he did.

He told me he'd fought off the temptation all of Monday because it was my birthday and he didn't want to slip on that day.

So he waited until the next day...while I was in the other room no less!

That was the first I had it brought to my attention he'd struggled while I was home. It's been usually a problem if I go out for long periods of time and he's got idle time on his hands when temptation will strike.

I had a friend of mine give me a lecture recently on how I need to stand up for myself and take time away more often. My husband gets to go out to go golfing or fishing or off to (unbeknownst to her) recovery meetings, and I don't go out except for on the rare occasion that it's a friend's birthday or someone happens to be throwing a baby shower or something (or for my own recovery meeting). She went on about it until she finally started talking about herself, which I knew is where the lecture really rooted from in the first place. I could just sort of nod and shrug at her suggestions because I know how it looks to her. To an outsider who doesn't understand the situation, my husband gets to do whatever he wants and I watch the kids. Then when I go out I have got to get home soon to take care of the kids or because my husband is feeling anxious for some reason. It looks like I don't get a life or that I'm controlled.

Well, I am controlled, but it's not because of what they think.

I do feel like every single time I go out he has a slip. I know it's not my fault because I cannot take that responsibility. It's out of my control. But at the same time, I know it's easier for him to slip when I'm not there so it's made me, without realizing it, become more of a hermit. But it's not just to keep him from slipping, but it's a form of protection for my children. I hate going out with the risk that he will slip and one of these times my son will happen along to see or hear or witness something. It's my nightmare. At some point my kids will be exposed to something, at some point in their lives they will- it's inevitable- but my hope is to keep that point in time from happening until they're at least a little older. My oldest is only 7.

Not that there are a lot of friends for me to go out with anyway, but it is nice to have a night out once in a while, and I'm talking about more then twice a year, and I'm talking about more then just dates out with my husband.

That being said...somehow it hurt that much more that I was in the other room when he slipped this time. Why? Why couldn't he have just come to me or called his support person? He knew for days he was being tempted and trying to fight it off. He didn't.

The addiction doesn't want him to get support. The addiction wants to be kept a secret so it can continue to thrive and control his life.

I thought I was past feeling that disappointment in him and that hurt. My recovery has helped me understand him more, and become better for myself, and to be a stronger support for him, but I still cannot be his support person. He has to rely on someone else more then me because it still hurts me. As long as I've been in recovery, it still hurts.

Never Finished

 

Now that I've completed posting steps 1 through 12, you might think I'm finished blogging. I've reached the end of the manual. I'm done working the steps. I'm done blogging about it.

Nope.

You see, I'm not dead yet. I'm not going to live the rest of my life perfectly with no regrets, and I still don't know everything about myself. I've just scratched the surface. If I stop now, not only will I be stunting my growth here, but I will eventually begin to lose the things I've learned thus far. As I go about the rest of my life, I will start repeating mistakes I've made in the past unless I keep working.

The 12 Step program for Addiction Recovery isn't just 12 steps really. It's not even just for addicts either. It's really a lifetime program for anyone in need of the atonement. Who does that include?

The addict. The addict in recovery. The addict not yet in recovery. The recovered addict. The addict's loved one. The addict's enemy. The one that doesn't know about the addict. The one that doesn't know the addict at all. And everybody else.

The atonement is for everyone. Whether they know about recovery or not.

Because in all reality, the 12 steps encompass the repentance process. I grew up learning the steps of repentance in primary where there are only four steps: Feeling sorry, Saying sorry, Righting the wrong, Keeping commandments from then on.

Well, really, those four steps are broken down into 12 for the addiction recovery program. Are we ever done with the repentance process? No.

Feeling Sorry: Steps 1-4
Start out with complete honesty with yourself and God. Believe God can help you make it right. Trust in Him to help you through it. Repeat being completely and thoroughly truthful with yourself and God.

Saying Sorry: Steps 5
Apologizing to yourself, God, the bishop, or anyone else it effects about your wrong without excuses.

Righting the wrong: Steps 6-9
Lean on God to help you become a better person and stop repeating wrongs. Humble yourself and ask God to help remove your weaknesses. Contemplate how to help make things better after your mistakes and do what you can do make it better. Talk to people about it. Act on things you can act on.

Keeping the commandments from then on: Steps 10-12
Keep track of your progress every day, every hour, every moment so you can avoid making the same mistakes. Seek the Lord's guidance in everything you do. Of course, part of keeping the commandments is helping others come unto Christ.

And we are never done.  The most important thing to remember after step 12 is that we have to keep up with our own progress in order to be a help to anyone else. The only way I can be an instrument in the hands of my Heavenly Father is if I am leaning on Him and doing my best in my own life.

Step 12: Service

 
Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do.

Step 12 Reading

One of the most important services I can offer is to share my testimony. That's one of the reasons for my blog. however, as I support others, I am only as effective as I am in my own recovery so I must keep up my own progress as a priority and avoid self-righteous tendencies.

I've noticed a big change in the way I support others after working the steps to the degree that I have. I don't give advice the same way I used to do. I don't try to fix other people. My thoughts don't dwell on ways to help solve other people's problems anymore. It's much more peaceful and I can keep myself separated from the drama in other people's lives.

Instead I am able to just listen and offer only things that I feel prayerfully enter my heart and that I'm impressed to say, and even then it's usually not in the form of advice but instead some kind of spiritual thought or personal application of my own that might apply to them.

My recovery doesn't only allow me to be a good support person for other people in recovery, but for all my friends and family in all aspects of my life. I'm a much more healthy support for any situation.

After going through recovery, and as I continue in recovery, I am also feeling more able to apply scriptures to my life on a more personal level. Recently I was at a support meeting and the line in step 11 stood out to me that said to pray and allow my meditation to be guided by the scriptures. I hadn't thought of meditation as a scripture study thing before because I had always thought of balancing the chakra and clearing the mind as "meditation" however, it's just saying thoughtful pondering.

So I looked up "Meditate" in the Topical Guide and found many scriptures to ponder about the meaning of meditation.  The scripture that stood out to me most was in Luke when Jesus tells his disciples to settle their answers in their hearts before they go out to preach because they when they are asked they won't have to think about (or meditate) on the answer. It would already be there. I had heard this before growing up in the gospel, when it comes to avoiding temptation. Already have the answer in decided so when temptation strikes you don't even think about it.  I hadn't realized that teaching was actual from Christ himself.

Then later the same thing, or similar, is said in D&C 84.  "Neither take ye thought beforehand what ye shall say; but treasure up in your minds continually the words of life, and it shall be given you in the very hour that portion that shall be meted unto every man." So it's another meaning behind meditating upon the words of Christ all the time so his words are in my heart and I am able to be guided in my words when the time comes.

I am converted in a much deeper way after working the steps. It's helped me to use the Lord's atonement in ways I hadn't thought about before and that has brought me into a deeper relationship with my Savior. I love Him more and rely on Him more in my life. I no longer rely on my own knowledge or even the knowledge of those around me. Instead I know the Lord gives the best answers and He will give me the words of support and comfort.  Whatever good I bring into the world comes from Him, not me.

I must admit that I am not perfect at this, however. Even now I slip up and find myself having to find balance again. As I serve others I constantly still need to check myself for any ulterior motives or expectations in my service. When I serve for the wrong reasons, I find myself triggered and trying to turn to my media addiction at every turn. But I need to forgive myself and go forward.

The Savior works through imperfect people. I just have to listen to His guidance and do my best to live so I can hear it.

I think there has been a theme to my studies lately whenever I look into the scriptures. I must need to hear it. Because the last scripture I looked into with this step is D&C 31:11-13 which says "Go your way whithersoever I will and it shall be given you by the comforter what to do and where to go. Pray always...be faithful...I am with you." So not only study and it's given, but go my way wherever the Lord wills me to go. I will be told what to do and where to go as I pray and keep my heart open to acknowledging His constant presence. I need to pray always and do my best to follow Him.

Godly Sorrow: Guilt vs. Shame

I had a conversation with my husband the other night when he had slipped in his own addiction again. He was hitting a low on it, and I tried to tell him not to let it get him down so much but he thought he needed to feel bad, otherwise he felt like he wasn't taking it as seriously as it needed to be taken. I understood what he meant. We don't want to make light of serious things or shrug things off as "no big deal" because that is a tool of denial used in the past before recovery. In recovery we must take responsibility for our wrongs.

But I don't think we need to drag ourselves in the dust either.

Finally the idea came into my mind as an example that I could explain more clearly to my husband. We mustn't allow ourselves to get healthy feelings of guilt for sin mixed up with being ashamed of ourselves. There is a big difference in these two feelings after committing a wrong. One of them is another of Satan's tools to drag us further into our mistakes. The other is Godly sorrow. Can you guess which is which?

I described these examples:
When we feel guilty for our sin, feeling healthy Godly sorrow, we are separate from the sin. Our inner dialog would sound something like this: "I feel bad for doing what I have done because I know it is wrong. I shouldn't have done it because I am better than that. I am worth more than that. I don't want to do it again."

When we cross the line into shame, suddenly our inner dialog is much darker and Satan can use it against us to drive us further into our sins and problems. It sounds something like this: "I feel terrible for doing what I have done because I wanted to do it. But it is who I am and I loath myself because I did this terrible thing and feel like I want to do it again." We drive ourselves into self-loathing so much, while also enabling ourselves and excusing our behavior by saying it is who we are. Satan can take this and drive us further into doing terrible deeds until we hate ourselves even more, hate the world, and do even worse things that we hate.  It's a vicious cycle that I believe has driven people to all kinds of horrible acts in this world, even murder. I honestly think that at one point in a murderer's life they began innocently, but turned to this self loathing or self "acceptance" as some in the world may put it, and drive themselves deeper and deeper into the pit of sin.

I believe my examples hit home to my husband and helped him pull himself out of the despair of shame and into the more healthy light of feeling guilt for sin, or Godly sorrow, which is much more healthy and productive for recovery.

I hope as we all recover we can be careful about distinguishing between these feelings and so we can be kept free from Satan's shackles and remember our value as children of God with great purpose.

I am not my addiction.